Category: humor

Parafloof

Parafloof (floofinition) – 1. Two animals.

In use: “Suzanne was thinking that she’d enjoy a parafloof but Atlas embodied the energy of three animals, so she kept putting the decision off.”

2. A trained animal who assists other animals.

In use: “The puppy was blind but the cat became his parafloof, showing him around the house, guiding him with sounds and gentle paw taps.”

3. A short composition about an animal or animals.

In use: “Social media has become a great animal adoption tool as photos with a parafloof based on the animal’s story are posted to attract people.”

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Floofgate

Floofgate (floofinition) – A scandal involving animals.

In use: “The latest floofgate — given the more specific name of messgate — was the overturned kitchen trash can and broken, upended Christmas cactus. The cat and dog, knowing something wrong had been done but aware she didn’t know the floofpetrator — or had they been in floofhoots? — stayed motionless on either end of the sofa, watching her with large eyes, waiting.”

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Floofucheato

Floofucheato (floofinition) – Animal who regularly steals from people or other animals.

In use: “The Prince, as the little Yorkie was usually called, was a floofucheato, stealing doughnuts, bacon, and snacks with brash aplomb, along with towels, socks, slippers, keys, and TV remote controls. Nothing was safe from the polite little thief.”

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The Wizard of Floof

The Wizard of Floof (floofinition) – 1. Title given to an individual animal capable of harnessing and directing animal magic. Debate among floofologists swing from it being a single individual, to many entities, or, in the minds of many floofologists, a floofological being.

In use: “Once he’d learned about he Wizard of Floof, the writer became obsessive about the existence of another land, and eventually developed a series of books featuring a wizard in another land.”

2. A person with the capacity or capability to charm, control, or help animals.

In use: “People who are wizards of floof often become known for working with one particular species, such as the cat behaviorist (Jackson Galaxy), or a dog or horse whisperer.”

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Infloofgestion

Infloofgestion (floofinition) – Inability or unwillingness to eat food due to distractions by an animal, or worries and concerns about animal.

In use: “Once Meg returned home after dropping her Beagle off at the vet for surgery, she turned off everything, and sat and stared through the day, unable to eat because of infloofgestion.”

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Floof Tree

Floof Tree (floofinition) 1. A diagram of showing an animal’s relationship to other animals, especially blood flooflatives.

In use: “Tracing the family’s floof tree began with Dot, the first small tabby (who turned out to be pregnant), then branches off with Skip (the small orphaned dog the family fostered and Dot mothered), and Billy, the big German Shepherd found at the shelter who came home and immediately started worshipping Dot.”

2. Woody perennial plant or structure where animals like to hang out.

In use: “During summer’s hottest days, the lemon tree’s shade made it a veritable floof tree, as the cats, dogs, and pig all took refuge in its cool shadows.”

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Floofgeist

Floofgeist (floofinition) – General or prevailing mood among a group of animals.

In use: “Whatever had happened during the day while she was out, Brenda returned to a floofgeist of wary pets, setting her nerves on edge.”

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Time to Paint

The blinds needed to be removed.

This was a requirement to paint around the frames. Somehow in the madness of life, I’ve decided that I need to paint the living and dining rooms. Together, they are, ‘The Great Room’.

Point of order: my wife hectored me into doing it. “These rooms are too dark. We need a lighter color.”

Me: “Huh-huh, you’re right.”

“When can you do it?”

“Wait, what?”

Life sometimes needs a rewind function.

Into the garage! To the tools! My tools are not greatly organized. Shelves hold several power tools and their requirements, along with a large toolbox. It’s augmented by a small thing with a work surface and four drawers. One drawer has lost its front. (I’m going to fix it sometime.) The top drawers are well organized with screws, anchors, glues, nails, sandpiper. The bottom two drawers are stuffed full of whatever I can get in there. I avoid opening them, except to retrieve tape and edger/trimmer string. My tape variety is impressive.

The screws holding the mounting brackets have a Philips-head X on it. They would not budge despite my grunting. “Get a screwdriver with more torque,” I muttered to myself. I already had the biggest. I would use the drill on it, but there’s not enough clearance. Bummer.

Sighing in frustration, I hit the ratchet wrenches. For some reason, I’ve acquired three complete sets. No, there’s more. At least two sets are metric. I bought them because I lived in Germany and Japan. Metric was used there, and I owned foreign cars – BMW, Porsche, Mercedes, Audi, Toyota, Nissan, Mazda, Honda, Toyopet. Plus, at least one set was priced at a dollar at a garage sale. Who can resist tools at a garage sale? They’re like books. You gotta look and see what might fill that imaginary hole in your library or toolbox.

The sockets are semi-disorganized. Most are in their proper places but the smallest sockets always go strolling. I go through them, looking for the 1/4 inch, along with the proper adapter to go from big to small. With all those socket kits, I have a multitude of options for changing spark plugs. Every manufacturer had a different size of socket required. Some had several. I also have a number of tools for setting the gaps on plugs and rotors, and wires for cleaning them.

Which reminded me of computers. Back in the office closet lives a set of shelves. On it resides office requirements like Wite-out, file folders, label maker, pens for the next century (if they don’t dry up), paper for the printer, ink for the same, assorted docks for laptops I no longer use, another printer I no longer use, cables for laptops and printers… You get it, right?

Disk drives also live on these shelves. Floppy 5.25 inch. Hard floppy 3.5 inch. Zip drives. CDs. All are ready to be formatted and written. I have not formatted anything in over a decade, maybe longer. I used to format things several times a week, back in, um, the last century. Strange that something that once was so common is now rare.

Not really. We were riding horses and trolleys more back in the last century, too. I only rode horses a few times for entertainment. Never mounted one to go to the store, or to visit the neighbors.

I don’t change my car’s oil any longer, either, although I have the wrenches for that, too, and the big wrench to remove an oil pan nut. I have baskets of computer and electronic gear. Ribbon wires, chipsets, an old power supply, old fan, along with a huge variety of RCA cords and adapters. There’s an extra monitor, too, and a VHS head cleaner for the VHS deck that I no longer use. I also own bearing grease, quart jugs of motor oil, and car cleaning supplies, like polishes and waxes.

Sometime, someone needs to go in there and clean all this stuff out. Not me, not today.

Time for me to paint.

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