Floofgress (catfinition) – a cat attack; an aggressive cat.
In use: “She thought that when he rolled on his back and presented his furry tawny belly that it was an invitation to give him a belly rub, but her motion to do it started a floofgress.”
Monday’s Theme Music
Blame today’s theme music on a cat.
I was administering a dose of hairball malt. Being of a loving, but perverse and distrustful nature, the cat fought, and the malt ended up on his paw. He tried shaking it off. I told him, “Lick it off, lick it off.”
From that moment, Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” mindjacked me. The beauty of the song is its malleability. All manner of phrases can be inserted and employed for the song’s lyrics. For instance, when you’re driving and encounter a rude driver, you can sing, “That driver is a dick, dick, dick, dick, flip him off, flip him off.”
Or you can just play with the words. “Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, and the bandage is gonna stay, stay, stay, rip it off, rip it off.”
From my head to yours, from 2014.
Floofiebrity
Floofiebrity (catfinition) – the quality of being a feline.
In use: “The tabby’s floofiebrity inspired her to decide that being herself was best expressed not by conforming to others’ expectations, but by finding and being her own true, confident self.”
Cat Day
I guess, to give it a start, it began with the cat.
The rest is backdrop. Setting. Background. This started with the cat and her kittens.
They were totally unanticipated. We were starting another football season. Done in by injuries, my team had finished second, losing in the Superbowl by two stinking points the year before.
Unfortunately, I lost to iBot. He’s the housebot. Thinking I’d be funny and play against casting, iBot has the most masculine personality among the bots. I also made him the most abrasive. So losing to him sucked. iBot isn’t a gracious winner. I guess I should say, wasn’t, since we’re talking about the past.
There were twelve of us, and the eleven bots. Our league was three divisions of four teams each. You played your division opponents twice, and each team out of the other divisions once, for an eleven-game regular season. Then we had the playoffs. Eight teams with the best records squared off.
Cat Day, as iBot officially named it, was the first day of the season. I thought I could take the Lombardi that year. We were playing by the 2030 rules. I had Ben Roethlisberger at QB (my Dad, before he was killed, used to tell me I was a big Roethlisberger fan when I was young), with Franco Harris (Grand Dad’s favorite) in the backfield, Mike Webster at Center (another of Grand Dad’s recommendations) and big Gronk at TE. I’d managed to add Alan Faneca. Wide receivers were Antonio Brown with Larry Fitzgerald in the slot. It was on defense where I’d improved, managing to add Ron Woodson, replacing Sherman, along with Troy Polamalu. I’d had enough money to get the 2010 version of Troy to go along with my 2009 version of James Harrison. I was set.
I’d settled into the Immersion Deck, opening day at Heinz under a gorgeous warm fall day. The crowd was roaring, my beer was cold, and my pizza was hot. TinBot’s Bengals, with Tom Brady under center, was my opponent. TinBot had finished last the previous season. He’d given up a lot to get Brady, although it was old Brady. I expected a good game.
They’d just placed the ball at the twenty when the alarms went off. iBot immediately roared, “Game’s starting. Shut that fucking alarm off.”
Arya said, “It’s an intruder alert. We can’t just turn it off. It must be investigated.”
“You’re fucking security,” iBot said. As Arya said, “I know who I am,” iBot finished, “Get it done, bot.”
“Game pause,” I said, as the only human, and the only one for which an intruder actually mattered. “Delay the starts until the alarm is resolved.”
While every bot except Arya cursed me, I brought up the security monitors. I figured this was a false alarm or malfunction.
“Where is it, Arya?” I said.
The interior cams caught her moving across the domescape. Drones overtook her.
“Don’t know yet, boss,” she said. She carried two weapons. The drones were armed, too. I pitied any intruders Arya might find.
The security net immediately pinpointed a breach back by a drain. That worried me. As the drones closed on the grassy place beneath a big black oak tree and hovered, their cameras picked up the cat.
“A cat,” I said.
“Yeah, we all have fucking eyes,” iBot said. “Thanks for the news report, egghead”
Protecting three kittens, the cat looked unafraid and ready to fight. The kittens looked like they were just a day or two old.
Arya arrived on the scene. She had her weapons ready. “Instructions,” she said.
“Nuke ’em,” iBot said. “The game’s waiting. Kill them and let the games begin.”
“No,” I said.
I had no need for a cat and kittens. I’m not an animal lover. I have livestock but that’s because I eat real food.
But I saw no reason to kill the cats. She looked like my first girlfriend’s cat. The girlfriend was Joy. The cat was Snuffy. Snuffy was male, though.
A cat with kittens in my sanctuary sowed a shitload of questions that required answers. Besides the breach, her presence meant something was going on outside of my fortress. Plus, being in the dome was one thing, but how had even reached it was almost as critical.
Shit. I didn’t say it, but I thought it about nine times in a row. I wasn’t going to start the football season that day. Not until I knew what the hell had happened to my security and what was going outside of my fortress.
So, see, that’s the day everything changed.
On Cat Day.
Infloofenza
Infloofenza (catfinition) –
1. like rockin’ pneumonia and the kitty-cat flu, infloofenza is a fake illness that people use as an excuse to get out of work. The origins can be traced to people deciding that it would be more fun to stay at home with their cat than to go to work.
2. A chronic condition that afflicts some people, who become sick and tired of their cats and cleaning up after them.
In use: “Her cats snuggled up to her on the cold morning, pinning her under the bed covers. Nothing short of a catectomy would free her, but the sweet little felines looked so deeply asleep and peaceful, she decided she would call in sick. Yes, she had infloofenza. Those with cats would understand.”
Floofsome
Floofsome (catfinition) – engaging and pleasing because of feline charm and friendliness.
In use: “A floofsome expression combined with a head-tilt to the left and large amber eyes to sell her on adopting the sixteen-year-old tabby, and she never regretted the decision.”
Catsip
Catsip (catfinition) – conversations between feline about information that might not be true, often passed through a nose to nose close exchange.
In use: “The orange cat and the long-haired black paws feline catsipped nose to nose for over a minute, arousing his curiosity about what was being exchanged.”
Cattercalling
Cattercalling (catfinition) – to go around a house, yard, or neighborhood, calling for a cat by their names, and making noises to get their attention, such as shaking kibble containers.
In use: “Whenever his floofs weren’t visible in his yard, he would start cattercalling them in an ever-widening circle until they answered, showed up, or were found sleeping in the house.”
Enfloof
Enfloof (catfinition) – two or more cats entwined, typically while sleeping or grooming or wrestling with one another; having one’s limbs or hair entangled or entrapped with a cat; a cat wrapped up in clothing or bedding.
In use: “As soon as she removed her work clothes and dropped them on the floor, her big black cat with the white diamond on his chest enfloofed himself in them, falling asleep in the time she took to turn around, get out her pajamas, turn around again.”
Catcimate
Catcimate (catfinition) – a feline’s ability to cause great destruction or harm.
In use: “Claws had catcimated the love seat and ottoman, and pieces of stuffing were pulled out of the cushions.”
Michael Seidel, writer 