Thursday’s Bumper Sticker
Floofvoyance
Floofvoyance (floofinition) – a housepet’s power or faculty of discerning objects not present to human senses.
In use: “I doubt floofvoyance is real, but I can’t explain how my cat knows that things are going to happen before I have a clue that they’ve begun.”
FNA(Floofino Nucleic Acid)
FNA (Floofino Nucleic Acid) (floofinition) – self-replicating fur initially shed by housepets. FNO is present on almost all clothing, furniture, and food in a home with housepets, and can also be found in hairballs and animal feces. According to reports denied by NASA, FNA was discovered on the Moon during the first manned lunar landing.
In use: “Floofcon 2019 rose to international prominence when an announcement came out that floofologists had created a home FNA (Floofino Nucleic Acid) test kit to determine specifically from which animal hairs, hairballs, and the errant turd that turns up on the floor, originates.”
h/t to Jill Dennison, Floofologist
Thursday’s Theme Music
I was in Germany when this song popped into the world in 1988. It felt “Armageddon It” and “Pour Some Sugar on Me” were being heard everywhere I went. It was played on the radio, on boom box tapes, CDs at parties, in clubs. Def Leppard seemed fabulously popular. A friend showed me a video of her as a young goth girl dressed in black leather dancing to “Armageddon It”.
Are you getting it? Armageddon it.
Flooftigraphy
Flooftigraphy (floofinition) – 1. Branch of floofology devoted to studying the layers of acquisitions of toys, foods, medicines, etc., to determine which were acquired during what floofnasty. 2. Study of the layers of pet food to identify the fur’s origins.
In use: “When her friend told her that she had white fur on her coat, surprise registered; employing her flooftigraphy training, she realized it had to be from StayPuft, the marshmallow white Spritz who passed away a decade before.”
Telling
Beers glasses were raised and clinked together. Tastings followed. The trio got down to business.
“How’d it go with the date?” Ron asked Pat.
“Good, real good.” Pat smiled. “Third one, so you know what that means.”
Bryan laughed. “Is that what that still means?”
“Yes.” Pat nodded. “Indeed, it does.”
Ron raised his glass. “To your new girlfriend? Or is it too early?”
Pat grimaced. “It might be too early. She’s a swell person, wonderfully intelligent and accomplished, sexy, of course — ”
“Of course,” Ron said as Bryan said, “That’s a sexist attitude.”
“It is, but she is a knockout.” After glancing over his shoulders, Pat leaned in over the table. The other two leaned in as well. “The only thing is, she farts a lot,” Pat said in a low voice. “They don’t make any noise, so it’s not that, but they smell terrible.”
“She farts?” Bryan said.
Pat nodded. “And it’s not a little poot now and then. When she farts, I want to flee like the villagers running from Godzilla. And it’s not her fault. We’ve talked about it. She’d apologized after I complained about the rank smell invading my car. She told me it was a side effect of a medicine she’s been on a long time. She’s tried changing her diet and she’s looked into other meds, but nothing will work for her. And anxiety, like from dating, apparently makes it worse.”
“Wow.” Looking at Bryan, Ron sat back. “That’s a shame. A smelly farter. Damn”
Pat sighed. “Yeah, I’d hate for it to end for that, because she’s otherwise so wonderful, and I feel lucky to know her and be dating her.”
Bryan nodded. “Have you told her about your troubles in peckerville?”
Sitting back, Pat sipped his beer a moment and then smiled. “No. The way I see it, there’s no sense in telling her about that until I know if I can live with the farting.”
Floofnasty
Floofnasty (floofinition) – the line of pets who ruled a household.
In use: “After scanning childhood photographs his parents gave him, he was able to establish an archival album of the floofnasties of his life. With some rue, he realized that he had more photographs of his pets than of either of his ex-wives.”
Wednesday’s Theme Music
I’m stuck in a sour war mood, which prompts recall of my military days.
This song, “Civil War” by Guns n’ Roses, came out two years before I retired from the U.S. Air Force. I retired because the military personnel powers-that-be wanted to move me to a new duty station. I was first offered a position with Air Force Space Command’s Inspector General team. A prestigious position, it would mean a lot of traveling, but it would take me to places that I’ve always wanted to see. Although I was keen, my wife was weary of me being away all the time.* So they instead wanted to send me to manage a missile site command post in the northern boonies. No, thanks.
It’s curious. We stood ready for war, but we didn’t want war, right? That’s what we told ourselves. But we spend all of our time and money preparing for war. That leaves us little prepared for anything else. This trend has gotten way out of hand since I retired in 1995. More and more resources are turned toward preparing for war and fighting war; less goes to social nets, education, infrastructure, etc. And we’re constantly being told that preparing to fight and going to war is what must be done to keep us safe, but as we do so, we’re fighting to save a collapsing nation.
Guns n’ Roses’ lyrics sums it up better than I do.
Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before
Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before
* Ironic side note: I retired from the Air Force, and became a customer service/sales operations manager for a medical device startup. Two years later, the company offered me an associate marketing product manager position, and I ended up on the road visiting hospitals, doctors, and trade shows…
Michael Seidel, writer 