Arias ring through the room’s air. These originate in my wife’s digestive system. She’s on day 3 of a fast. A lacto-ovo-pescatarian for over 30 years, all that she’s permitted herself during these days is green tea and water. Plenty of both have been consumed.
Fasting is her go-to response to matters. First time that she fasted was while I was in the Philippines on military assignment. Living with her parents, she decided to fast and did so for ten days. In this case, she’s dealing with two fronts: RA flares afflicting her shoulder, and being dispirited about the current political clime in the United States. She’d taken to long days of doom scrolling. Friends finally told her, “You need to stop.”
So stop she did. She stopped eating and doom scrolling. How long will she continue, is the question put to her. She’s not certain. She’ll reach some point where she’ll decide she’s clean enough and will resume eating.
While she isn’t eating, she’s still treating herself to warm epson salts baths and near infrared red-light therapy in our home pod. She’s also staying in the house, limiting social contact and physical activity. She’s reading a lot of fiction.
I hope it all works. I hope she recovers and is eating again soon.
I begin, it’s Satur — no, wait, it’s Su — oh, damn, we know this is Monday.
It’s Monday, Septembe 25, 2023. As always, I’m surprised that another month is almost ending. Another is close to beginning. We ride the day merry-go-round.
For weather, light gray clouds frost our sky. The sun sometimes escape the cloud cover to present us with a bright glow for a few minutes. Soft rain drifts through Ashlandia.
Smoke has left our area. My sinuses and eyes feel so much better for that. Gone is in the burning and itching, and the congestion and sneezing. Thank you, fates.
We’ve been receiving light rain off and on. Sometimes, it comes so quick, and leaves so fast, hurrying by on cat’s paws, that we have little knowledge it’s been there. We see the drying street and the damp sidewalk. Hindsight can be helpful.
It’s 65 F now, so it’s warmed up but we’ll only kiss 70 F today. That’s good enough for a windy fall day. By the way, I was negligent in not welcoming south of the equator folks to spring. Hope you have one friend of floods, fires, and other disasters.
I’ve always hunted balance, I reckon, balance in work/life, living and loving, doing and dreaming. Oh, yes, and I’ve sought balance between moods, between the dark sides and the sunny, less threatening times. I’m more familiar with my cycles as I’ve gotten older; I know when they arrive. When the darkness comes, I’m ready to curse and give up, walk away from things. I want freedom then, and I feel weary. But I know how to press myself and shut it down and not do anything stupidly impulsive.
Dark days come over me less frequently in my senior years. I’m 67.25 years old, you know. I suspect some of the evening can be attributed to less worry, but also fewer hormones. I’ve also managed to cultivate that calmness that, hey, things aren’t so bad for me. That many things which worry and trouble me are temporary, and that I give these matters a surfeit of attention. Beyond those basics, I find great solace in my writing processes.
Like many Americans, I’m following long stories about Trump’s trials, the potential US government shutdown, various disasters around the world, and Sen. Bob Menendez and the charges against him. Rep. Jeffries had a terrific response to the GOP threats to shut down the goverment. He cited all the times the GOP has done this, referencing their flaccid reasoning for their demands, and pointing out the damage to people and the economy incurred each time. His theme, though: we will not pay the ransom. I embrace his reaction completely.
Meanwhile, on the Menendez front, the evidence is heavy — especially the gold. Hah! But he is innocent until proven guilty. Let justice plow the field and see the results, just as we’re doing with Trump. But if either is guilty, I expect heavy punishments for the crimes against we, the people, that they did while being paid as servants of our nation.
On to music. The morning mental music stream (Trademark insane) is filled with Lucy Spraggan and “Balance”. Surprised?
Not me. The Neurons and I are in tune today. I’m not overly familiar with Lucy Spraggan’s work. I first heard “Balance” online last year. The first several times I listened to it, I was striving to understand the words and message. Eventually, I found enjoyment in the song’s cadence.
Stay pos, if you will, if you can, find your balance and be strong. Here’s the music. Coffee is at hand. Time to write like crazy, at least one more time. Cheers
When I’m happy, I want to have something enjoyable to eat. Steak and pie often speak to me at that point, although I rarely eat steak, rarely eat meat, as my wife is a vegetarian. Likewise, when I’m frustrated, or depressed, I want something enjoyable to eat. Steak — or a burger — come to mind, along with pie, or ice cream. It’s only when I’m in a good mood but not overly happy, but very focused, when I’m not prey to different eating urges. And that’s a bare sliver of a window.
It interests me how my urges to eat are similar when I’m happy or sad, an intriguing additional insight into my personal spectrum of being.
The ceiling fans are still. Baristas behind the counter are quiet. Low-key. Not like them.
The coffee house is a third full. Music plays. People chat and work phones and laptops, sipping beverages, nibbling treats. But a feeling rolls through. Something is off. Different. Like the building is waiting to inhale.
Maybe it’s not them or the building. Perhaps it’s only him.
Sometimes during the writing day, he experienced irrational exuberance. Other times, he endured unallayed depression. In all the other work he’d done during his lifetime, he’d never experienced such highs and lows, almost in the same hour.
His moods were like a weird extreme weather system, a blizzard in one second, sunny and clear upon the next.
It’s good to set goals. You feel so good when you achieve them. Making it to Saturday was a modest but important one. It kept me going through the other days, which were sometimes sucky.
Today is December 18, 2021. The sun popped in, spreading sunshine like butter on hot pancakes, at 7:34 AM. A hazy shade of winter is overlaid on the blue. The snowmess of Wednesday and Thursday leaves no local trace except for tales. Current temp is 32 F and a high of 50 F is being dangled in front of our faces.
“Given to Fly” by Pearl Jam (1998) is flying through the morning mental music stream. It’s one of those songs that starts softly but when I used to hear it on the car FM, I’d end up, pressing the volume button to up as the song rushed through the middle.
These were the words that opened the window for PJ to sail through:
He floated back down cause he wanted to share His key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere But first he was stripped and then he was stabbed by faceless men Well, fuckers, he still stands
Stay positive, test negative, wear a mask as needed, and get the vax and boosters. I have a new goal: coffee, here I come. And here’s the music. Cheers
Greetings, life forms. I include the undead who might be reading this, too. And whatever other ethereal forms are browsing the net — or browsing history in some future state.
Anyway, today is Wednesday, September 15, 2021. Sunshine entered the valley at 6:51 AM. We expect it to fade away at 7:21 PM. Our high temperature will be in the low eighties. Our air is serviceable. Light traces of smoke and haze hang along the mountains’ tree lines but the AQI sits at 70, putting us in the Moderate (yellow) range. It’s a continued improvement that we’re happy to have.
In news, it was great to see that the California recall effort fizzled. Don’t live there but I used to. I live in Oregon, in fact, just a few miles north of the California – Oregon border. Have friends in California and still follow their politics. I didn’t want Larry Elder as governor of anywhere. He spouts reactionary garbage. The disaster it would have been were he to have replaced Newsom is nauseating to contemplate.
Most importantly, the loss throttles the precedence and encouragement it would create for Republicans to backdoor the system. Naturally, upon hearing that he was going to lose, that Newsom would not be recalled, Elder immediately cried, “Cheat!” It’s the GOP way of this century. It’s a good thing that they’re doing it. They’re raising an alarm for something that isn’t there. As it’s proven again and again that no fire is behind the smoke only they see, rational individuals will walk away from them and tune them out.
My night was heavy with dreams. It’s a monthly cycle. My mood goes up and down each month. Get quite dark for a day or two. Want nothing to do with the world, writing, cats, or myself in those hours. Being aware of it helps. cope. I just endure and ensure I don’t do anything stupid during the darkness.
Anyway as part of the peak, versus being in the trough, my mind is busy with dreams. After waking up and thinking them over doing all my morning rituals, I settled with my coffee. About then, a 1991 Yes song percolated into the morning music stream. “Life Me Up” was the group’s last hit, as far as I know. Not that I track these things but others do, and I read that. Not my favorite Yes song (hah – funny that, if you know their albums) but no doubt it’s a Yes song.
Stay positive, test negative, stay in the groove, wear a mask as needed, and get the vax. Here’s the music. Time for more coffee, I believe. Cheers
Feels like a Saturday. Odd, for me. I haven’t worked for a company where I kept a schedule for several years. You’d think the days of the week would’ve lost their feel by now.
How does Saturday feel? Less structured. Freer. More relaxed and less stressed. Comfortable as a pair of your favorite shoes. Full of expectation that something good is just about to happen.
Mood was dark earlier in the week. Ah, the standard black cycle. Went into a snarling depression. Thinking about what/how to write a scene, I sulked. ‘Thoughts went, I’ll be sixty-five years old next year, struggling to finish a novel. Written fifteen. Published four on Amazon to no great success. Agents are barely interested in what I submit to them, and I don’t pursue getting published with any great energy. Why am I wasting my time with this shit?’ Then I went mumbling away, did some other things, and thought, oh, this is what happens, and went back and resumed writing. Mine is a fickle mind, probably like most people. The fact is, I enjoy writing, and employing my imagination to create puzzles for my mind to solve, then scrambling to find he words. That’s writing, innit?
Some of the week’s hours were spent helping my wife. She belongs to an exercise class. They meet every MoWedFri at nine AM via Zoom. Pre-COVID, it was an hour earlier at a gym. The instructor has been teaching this class for forty years, and my wife has been going for fifteen. We’ve made many friends through the class, including the instructor and her hubby. The class also launched my wife’s book club. Each year for Christmas, the class members take up a collection and sign a card for the instruction. Well, hard to do that this year. So I set up a private Gofundme for them. We worked with the Y on a letter that was sent to the members. Then I created an eighteen inch by thirty inch prop check for my wife to use to present the collection to the instructor. The prop came out okay, although elements reminded me of a fifth-grade project. But we had to use what we had on hand. It’s the thought that counts, right? The class took up over eleven hundred dollars. Knowing the instructor and her hubby, who aren’t in need, they’ll share it with others who are in need. They’re quite generous people.
Setting up the Gofundme was extremely easy. It impressed me with how simple it was. Which had been my impression, leading to why I helped my wife. She and her friends were thinking it was technical and required computer savvy. It doesn’t.
Reading Bill Bryson’s book, The Body: A Guide for Occupants.It’s rich with history and details. Great expanding knowledge. I’m not as intimate with my body’s functioning as I’d like to be. That’s one reason why I selected this book as a read. As I’ve aged and endured some minor health issued (enlarged prostate gland, broken arm, high blood pressure), I wanted to know more details about myself. I’ve been reading on the net, pursuing symptom after symptom, organ after organ, getting more granular with processes and functions. I suspect many people take up the same pastime of learning more about their body as they age. I keep thinking that I should’ve paid more attention when I was younger. You know, before things began giving me problems, right?
Ran into a friend at the grocery store. I was checking out, he was coming in. About eight AM on Wed. We were both masked and had hats on. I said, “Pat.” He stopped in front of me, six feet away, and stared. “Who is that?” “Seidel.” “Michael!” A smile lit his eyes. “Didn’t know you. Hat. Mask.” We chatted for about ten seconds, and then pressed on. Not great socializers, either one of us, but it was pleasant encountering him.
Watched Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom last night. Fraught with dialogue, tension, and foreshadowing, the film kept me focused. Strong characters…well, strong in every area and value. Viola Davis is on the shortlist of actors that always shade my opinion of a movie. If she’s in it, I’m more likely to be drawn to watching it. All that I’ve seen her in, she impresses me. Chadwick Boseman had also joined the list so it was crushing to hear of his death. Gotta say again, though, white people are often cruel, greedy assholes. Which, as a white person, pisses me off.
It’s been a windy week. My cats DO NOT LIKE WIND. Tucker refuses to leave the house. His position is fine with me; he’s safer in the house. Boo the house panther likes to go out in the morning for a few hours in the back yard (if there’s sunshine) and an hour in the evening on the front porch. Papi, though, (aka the ginger boy, Youngblood, and Meep) despises the wind. He goes out the back and returns to the front, banging on to get back in. Does this six to eight times a day. Bored in the house but too bothered by the wind (and the cold) to stay out. Poor boy. I wrote about his feelings about the wind last month in The Despised Wind.
My Fitbit report said that I did eighty-seven miles last week, three less than the week before. I thought, bullshit. I don’t know how that thing counts. Yes, I know the principles they employ; I’m just dubious of the results. Still, I keep trying to maintain a twelve-miles-a-day average. Need some sort of goal to focus.
Got my coffee. Time to write like crazy, at least one more time. Happy holidays, whatever one it is which you recognize or celebrate. Remember, stay positive, test negative, wear a mask, social distance, and get the vaccine. Cheers
Michael Seidel, writer 