I’m looking forward to December 24, 2036, and the date’s symmetry: 12/24/36. I’ll only be 80 then. Hope I have enough mind to enjoy that symmetry. It’s like one, two, three.
Floofspeak
Floofspeak (floofinition) – An implanted device used by animals to speak to other species. Origins: first suspected by humans during witch trails in the American Colonies in the 1700s.
In Use: “Although ‘implanted’ is the term used, many floofocologists now believe that floofspeak is either a quantum matter or magic, as no implanted devices have ever been found.”
In Use: “Animals often sit mutely staring at humans as they attempt to use floofspeak to converse, but then will leave in exasperation, or resort to coarse noises to speak with the humans.”
Recent Use: “An Irish floofocologist, Kitty McAleer, claimed to have found significant revelations about floofspeak in a set of recovered documents collectively known as the The Floofy Codices. Although stored in a secure place, the documents disappeared before they could be made public, including digital photographs which were initially made. Ms McAleer cites the document’s disappearance as clear evidence of “animals’ unique, even supernatural skills to access places”, and believes her house pet, a Tom named Phelan, provided inside intelligence which aided the thieves.”
Floofpertoire
Floofpertoire (floofinition) – 1. A stock of moves, looks, sounds, or behavior that an animal knows or uses to control, coerce, or manipulate humans. Origins: Late Latin
In Use: “Many animals seem to develop a floofpertoire for how to get humans to cozy up to them, feed them treats, and keep them safe, and it seems like it might just be a gift shared through some great floofscious in the sky.”
Recent Use: “As with many human endeavors, more discussion has recently arisen about whether animals and their floofpertoire is a matter more of nurture or nature.”
2. Behavior, tricks, and sounds employed by humans to train, control, coerce, or manipulate animals.
In Use: “People in different countries learn how to talk to animals in their own language, but there does seem to be a universal floofpertoire for successfully domesticating animals.”
Recent Use: “Facebook, Reddit, and YouTube are all exploding with new tricks to add to your floofpertoire to gain animals’ trust, bring them back home, or to get them safe, happy, healthy, and entertained.”
FAC
FAC: Floof Action Committee (floofinition) – 1. A consortium of animals joining together to achieve change or direct policy.
In Use: “The household pets knew where the treats were stored and egged on by the dog, formed a FAC to get to them. The cat was most instrumental, jumping onto the kitchen counter and then to the refrigerator’s top to knock the packets to the floor, but the dogs were the ones who tore them open for all to enjoy.”
Recent Use: “On a cold winter night, a dog found a small niche of shelter where she could stay warm. Soon another dog, and then a cat joined him, sharing their warmth and shelter, and creating a de facto survival FAC.”
2. A group of humans dedicated to helping and, or, saving animals, and ensuring their health and welfare are attended to.
In Use: “Many communities have volunteers which form a FAC to reduce the feral populations with spay-neuter-release programs, and have parallel programs to find the young and have them fostered, domesticated, and adopted.
Recent Use: “With wars and military actions reducing places to terrifying scenes of burned-out rubble, global FACs have formed to find and save the innocent animals, giving them food and medical treatment, and shipping them out to safe places as needed and able.”
Saturday’s Wandering Thoughts
Forty-one holiday bowl games are coming up in the next several weeks.
I live in Oregon. I’ve quasi-adopted the two major colleges’ sports team. More like surrendered than adopted, as the colleges and their sports teams are frequent news and conversation topics. Both college football teams are ‘ranked’ this year and will play in bowl games.
The names of these bowl games are psyche shredding. The Oregon State Beavers face Notre Dame in the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl. Seriously.
Oregon University’s Ducks will play Liberty in the VRBO Fiesta Bowl.
You should check out the names of these corporate sponsored NCAA college football bowl games. Remember, this is about amateur sports. Among them is the Cricket Celebration Bowl in the Mercedes Benz Stadium. Avocados from Mexico Cure Bowl. Famous Toastery Bowl. Roofclaim.com Boca Raton Bowl.
I wonder how many years it’ll be before the teams have corporate sponsors. I’m sure many will watch the Nike Oregon University Ducks vs the Eli Lilly Fighting Irish of Notre Dame in the VRBO Fiesta Bowl or maybe, instead, the Columbia Sportswear Company Oregon State Beavers (sometimes just called the Columbia Beavers) against Freddie Mac Liberty University in the the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl.
I don’t plan to watch any of them.
Floofularity
Floofularity (floofinition) – An animal with unusual, special, or unique behavior or characteristics. Origins: Fourteenth century, more specifically indeterminate.
In Use: “One of the joys for people inviting an animal to join their family is discovering their new fur friend’s floofularities about food, play, and being friendly.”
In Use: “Every day, Marcia regaled people at work with tales about her puppy’s floofularities, making others laugh as she shared Manfred’s silly sleeping and eating habits, and the way he liked snugging up with her and snoring.”
Recent Use: “Many animal fosters like posting their efforts on Facebook and other social media places, sharing videos of the animal’s floofularities and growth, trying to encourage readers to adopt the animals, or give to their cause.”
Floofuary
Floofuary (floofinition) – A period when animals’ boredom rises and they sleep more, usually in response to colder weather and shorter periods of daylight.
In Use: “In the northern hemisphere, Floofuary tends to kick in a few weeks before the year’s end as cats and dogs decide to quit venturing outside to test the temperature and just curl up and sleep, only rising to eat.”
In Use: “Bucking trends, some thick-furred animals are thrilled when Floofuary arrives, racing around through snow with utter abandonment and pure joy, dismissive of ‘cold’ weather.”
Recent Use: “Facebook posts become rich with videos of animals encountering snow for the first time when Floofuary strikes, amusing us all as animals chase flakes or become snow covered.”
Racfloofteur
Racfloofteur (floofinition) – Someone skilled in telling animal stories. Origins: Late1800s, American Great Plains states and territories.
In Use: “Gathering in the break room, Mike was the office racfloofteur with his tales about his cats’ battles with him and each other.”
Recent Use: “Though normally reserved, Mai had three dobies became a racfloofteur whenever anyone asked her about her floof friends, weaving engaging stories about the animals’ intelligence, curiosity, and the things they did.”
An Evil Plan
I asked my wife this morning, “Do you know the song, ‘Walk Right In’?”
Nodding, she sang the first verse and then asked, “Is it your ear worm today.”
“Yes. Do you remember any more lyrics?”
Mumbling through the melody, she laughed. “No.”
I sang her the song to remind her. She sort of shrugged me off.
Encountering her in the kitchen thirty minutes later as I was getting ready to leave the house, she said, “Well, your evil plan worked.”
Laughing, I sang, “Walk right in.”
She glumly nodded. “It’s stuck in my head.” Walking past me, she hit my arm.
I just laughed more.
Michael Seidel, writer 