Tag: humor

Driverless Car Returns

Saw a headline slug, “Driverless Cars Return”.

An imagined television news report about a driverless car getting lost and living on the streets by itself for years climbed into my head, and then came the happy reunion, when the driverless car returned to its family for a happy reunion.

“We thought our car was gone forever,” Patty McLaren said about the brown four-door Ford sedan. “We looked for it for everywhere for weeks. We never gave up, really. Every time a driverless car went by, we looked to see if it was our car. Though I never stopped hoping, I never really believed it would come back, though. It’s like a dream come true.”

The car is a little older and rustier, with bald tires and faded paint. Its radio and speakers are gone, apparently torn out by thieves, and the engine smokes.

“Who knows what it went through?” Mrs. McLaren said, stroking the car’s front fender. “I’m amazed it’s still runnin’. I’m just so happy it’s back.”

Mrs. McLaren said that they were going to get the car a new coat of paint and tires. “Then we’re just going to put it in the garage and keep it there, and pamper it.”

Her daughter expressed disappointment that she wouldn’t be allowed to take the car to college with her.

 

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Floofchotchke

Floofchotchke (floofinition) – knickknack or trinket that celebrates housepets.

In use: “As soon as she walked into her new boss’s office, she knew from the floofchotchke that he loved cats and dogs.”

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Flooftopian

Flooftopian (floofinition) – a place or setting modeled on the ideal situation for housepets.

In use: “After acquiring a new housepet, many owners seek to create a flooftopian habitat for their scales, fur, and feather companions, buying special food, toys, and decoration for them.”

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Floofvering

Floofvering (floofinition) – to sweep up or vacuum fur and floofbris left by housepets.

In use: “With two long-hair indoor/outdoor cats and a long-hair dog, floofvering the floor was a daily task.”

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Floofliness

Floofliness (floofinition) – loneliness caused by being without the company of housepets; cut off from housepets.

In use: “The worse, for many fleeing the wildfire, was enduring the floofiness caused when they couldn’t get their pets out, and had to endure the disaster without the comfort the pets provided while waiting to see if their fur friends had survived.”

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Weed Man

They encountered each other every day, and every day, the ginger-bearded young man said, “Hey, man, do you have any weed?”

Every day, Mitchell said, “No, sorry.”

After the first three days of this, Mitchell wondered, why is this man asking him for weed? Mitchell wondered, does he look like a man who might have weed? What makes a person look like he might have weed? He had his own conceptions of this. To his mind, he didn’t look like one who might be carrying weed.

The other thought Mitchell had was, perhaps the man greeted everyone like this. Mitchell laughed at the idea of this man saying to everyone met in town, “Hey, man, do you have any weed?”

After five days of this, Mitchell encountered the man while crossing the street, and said, by way of greeting, “Sorry, I don’t have any weed.”

The weed man looked at him like he was crazy.

Which made Mitchell laugh.

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Refloofcitrant

Refloofcitrant (floofinition) – a housepet who is obstinately defiant of authority or restraint.

Related: recatcitrant (catfinition) – a cat who is obstinately defiant of authority or restraint; redogcitrant (dogfinition) a dog obstinately defiant of authority or restraint

In use: “Putting a leash on the dog proved a battle as he became refloofcitrant, finding new ways to resist the leash until the people finally gave up.”

Editing note: Yes, I know, I get a little silly with this stuff, don’t I?

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Floofitiate

Floofitiate (floofinition) – to make ineffective by making it useful for a housepet.

In use: “It hadn’t been planned as such but changes to the room – which had been his daughter’s bedroom until she married – such as three cat trees, one litter box, and two large dog beds, floofitiated its purpose.”

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