Wednesday’s Bumper Sticker
Flooflantis
Flooflantis (floofinition) – A lost continent where animals established their first settlement after arriving on Earth. Highly advanced, Flooflantis was said to exist in the Atlantic Ocean and was lost for several eons due to tectonic shifts. Humans who later learned of its existence attempted to pass it off as a lost Human civilization, as people didn’t believe that animals could be so advanced and capable.
In use: “Learning of Flooflantis through guarded conversations with pigeons, squirrels, dogs, and cats, Francis Bacon adopted the tale, changing the name to Atlantis and populating it with humans.”
Straight Shot
You made a straight shot
with your phone
calling me to see
if I was at home
And a straight shot
with a text
got me out of a tiny little mess
I had with my ex
I took a straight shot
from your eyes
the kind of look like donuts
that goes straight to my thighs
The straight shot
from your lips
made me pucker up fast
and get ready for a kiss
Then a straight shot
from your mind
and you know I thought
I had it made
Everything was fine
But a straight shot
from your gun
and just like that, dude,
t’was no more fun
Floofbreak
Floofbreak (floofinition) – 1. Taking a holiday or vacation away from animals, especially household pets. 2. A pet or animal’s escape from a place or situation.
In use: “Carole King made national news after her Border Collie’s floofbreak because Carole searched for fifty-seven days to find her friend.”
EVSEDA
EVSEDA (floofinition) – Acronym for Enjoyable Vortex of Sharing Every Day with Animals. EVSEDA is an expression coined to summarize the multiple pleasures and occasional frustrations experienced when living with animals, especially housepets. The vortex aspect of the acronym is to express how animals can monopolize time, attention, and energy in surprising and unexpected ways.
In use: “They had plans everyday, but EVSEDA often derailed their intentions as the cats, dogs, and goats played and chased, loved and cried, demanded attention, and struck sweet poses. Neither of them minded at all. EVSEDA enabled them to escape the world’s craziness. Both were privately certain that without EVSEDA, they’d probably be insane.”
Cubbyfloof
Cubbyfloof (floofinition) – Birds, fish, and animals, particularly housepets, who enjoy hiding in small spaces.
In use: “Spock, the large goldfish, was a true cubbyfloof. He loved wriggling into the tiny castle on the aquarium’s bottom, and was so adept at it, staying still and hidden within its confines for long periods, that people looking for him often wondered if he’d escaped.”
Infloofsitive
Infloofsitive (floofinition) – Curious pet or animal who can’t resist inspecting and examining objects and sounds.
In use: “All the pets were infloofsitive, but the little miniature Border Collie, Sassy, and the elegant Russian Blue feline, Jazmine, were the two who always got up, padded into the other room to see what was going on, and then returned, notifying the rest that the end is not nigh after all.”
The Gods of Beer
The gods of beer
won’t hesitate
to take a swig,
and make their play.
They don’t quibble
over a quaff,
nor hesitate to laugh
over another’s gaffe.
They’re there to spread humor
and good cheer,
because everyone knows,
life is better with a beer.
Michael Seidel, writer 