Tag: humor

Press Release

Good morning. I have a statement to read. I will then take questions. Please hold your questions until after the statement is read. Thank you.

Operation Breakfast was commenced this morning at oh eight fifteen hours. Walnuts made an initial landing, followed by cranberries, raisins, sunflower kernels, pumpkin seeds, and muesli. Greek yogurt provided cover.

The breakfast took approximately four minutes to make and eight minutes to consume. Follow-up operations included eating a banana and brewing a cup of coffee.

Questions?

Was it organic?

Yes, everything was specified to be organic.

What was the flavor of the yogurt?

I’ll need to get back to you on that.

How much yogurt was used?

I’m not sure, it was about a quarter cup, I think.

Were the walnuts whole or pieces?

Pieces.

Were the sunflower seeds roasted?

No, the kernels weren’t roasted.

Follow up. What about the pumpkin seeds? Were they roasted?

No, the kernels and seeds were raw.

Were the walnuts roasted?

No, the walnuts were also raw.

How many cranberries were employed?

Several tablespoons.

Was it less than a quarter of a cup?

I believe so, yes.

Where did you get the cranberries?

From Trader Joe’s. Any other questions? Thank you. Good day.

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Stop and Roll

Stop and Roll (floofinition) – Animal tactic often employed by pets to get humans’ attention. The measure usually requires the animal to get in front of the human, throw their onto the ground and then wiggle or roll around while giving humans smiles.

In use: “In secret ‘How to Tame Your Human’ sessions, puppies are taught to gambol about to get humans’ attention before executing the stop and roll.”

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Floof Without Hats

Floof Without Hats (floofinition) – Floofnadian floof rock (flock) band with a synth-pop, new wave sound developed through heavy electronic processing.

In use: “Floof Without Hats achieved their most widespread success with “Safety Floof” in the 1980s.”

 

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Tommy Tufloof

Tommy Tufloof (floofinition) – American floof pop (floop) band formed in 1978.

In use: “Tommy Tufloof’s biggest hit was “867-5309 (Floofy)”, a telephone number and name that caused trouble for many households and young woman.”

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Floofbunny

Floofbunny (floofinition) – A collection of shed animal fur, which often resembles a tumbleweed.

In use: “Opening the front door to let in some cool night air propelled a trio of floofbunnies across the wooden floor.”

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Floofshift

Floofshift (floofinition) – 1. Period of time devoted to attending or helping an animal.

In use: “Many people fostering kittens, puppies, and other young animals will establish floofshifts for feeding and warming the little ones.”

2. A movement done to accommodate an animal.

In use: “When in bed, Carrie watched how she moved, coordinating floofshifts to avoid disturbing her sleeping dog and cat.”

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Capricious Fates

Yesterday was cooler outside — eight-eight F — a drop of ten degrees from the day before and night from the one before.

Summer had arrived. Temps are night were falling to sixty, fifty-nine, but it was often seventy by ten AM and quickly climbing.

We have a gas fireplace. Standing by it yesterday, I felt the heat from its pilot radiating out and thought, time to turn that puppy off. So I did.

Clearing their throat, Nature declared, “Hold my beer.”

It’s my custom to keep windows open at night. A wind was blowing through the night, bringing what felt like Arctic air. Getting up, I closed all the windows and thought about turning on the fireplace.

Made me smile. The capricious fates had fooled me again. It’s like, if you study something expensive to buy, and finally pull the trigger, it’s bound to be on sale immediately after you take position.

I guess Alanis Morissette expressed it better in “Ironic”.

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Looking Floof

Looking Floof (floofinition) – Active from 1969 to 1974, an American floof pop (floop) rock band that was part of the early Jersey Shore sound.

In use: “Looking Floof’s song, “Brandy (You’re A Fine Pet)” reached number one on the Floofboard Top 100 in 1972.”

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Soft Floof

Soft Floof (floofinition) – Flooflish synth floof pop (floop) duo formed in the late 1970s and achieved significant United Floofdom success in the 1980s.

In use: “Although successful in the UF, Soft Floof had more limited success in the United Floofs of America (UFA), becoming known for “Tainted Fur” as

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Solifloofant

Solifloofant (floofinition) – An animal who revels in the act of wandering alone.

In use: “Once released from the house, Bella became a solifloofant, hopping the fence, sniffing the air, exploring sources of sounds and smells.”

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