Stop and Roll

Stop and Roll (floofinition) – Animal tactic often employed by pets to get humans’ attention. The measure usually requires the animal to get in front of the human, throw their onto the ground and then wiggle or roll around while giving humans smiles.

In use: “In secret ‘How to Tame Your Human’ sessions, puppies are taught to gambol about to get humans’ attention before executing the stop and roll.”

Comfloofmanship

Comfloofmanship (floofinition) – Animal practice or philosophy that every human deserves to be accompanied by an animal, preferably 24/7, for protection and comfort.

In use: “After growing up alone on the streets, the puppy found a human to take them in and decided to embrace comfloofmanship as a way of life, following ‘his’ human everywhere she went while monitoring everything that she did.”

Defloofilate

Defloofilate (floofinition) – To impair action via an animals’ behavior or presence.

In use: “Sleeping pets in the sunlit living room defloofilated vacuuming and sweeping plans. Instead, he went and played a quiet computer game.”

Day Eight

Locked away, he had time to do things that he’d always intended to do. First would be to learn to communicate with the cat.

Yeah, he wasn’t crazy (so he told himself, trying to sound convinced). He thought he and the cat had a special connection. The little feline (it was little then, in the beginning, not so little now, relatively for a house cat – twenty-three pounds) marched up to him on the street and meowed like Whitney Houston singing “I will always love yooouuu,” bestowing the cat his name, Houston (because it was a male). It was like true fidelity from then on.

Houston was everywhere with him, monitoring his bathroom, trying to steal food (the lovable little thief) with his big white mitts, bolting across rooms and up walls (swear to God!). Now, aged three, Houston had settled into being a more dignified feline. Cagney (his name, distant relative to James, the actor) (he always used his last name, disliking his first name, the unobtrusive, forgettable “Jack”) thought that if Houston could talk, he would sound pretty close to James Earl Jones. From there (and the looks that the cat gave him), he’d decided that he and the cat could communicate, like, telepathically.

Engaging in an effort every day since he’d been self-isolated — this was day eight — he sat the cat in front of him and sat down. “Houston. Look at me. Look into my eyes.”

Although he appeared sleepy (it was time for his pre-nap nap), Houston did as told.

“I’m going to speak words to you. I want you to think them back to me. Do you understand?”

Cagney listened for a response. Yawning, Houston seemed to try to wake up to participate.

“I know you understand me. I know how smart you are.”

Thank you.

Cagney blinked. “What? Do you — ” Had he heard that? “Did you say, thank you.”

I did. You heard me.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” Cagney stood up and spun around. He’d only half thought of what would happen next. Like how was he going to prove it? How was he going to prove it?

He stared down at Houston. Houston watched him with interest. “So you hear me, right, Houston?”

Yes, I do, Cagney.

“Okay, okay, I need more than that. Nod your head, nod your head if you understand me.”

Houston nodded his head.

Cagney jumped up and down laughing. “Holy shit. Holy she-it. I did it! We did it. I got to — where’s my phone? Where’s my cell? I gotta video this. Where’s my cell? Where’s my cell?”

Blue eyes bulging, Cagney scanned the room and skittered off. “Must’ve left it in the bedroom. Don’t move, Houston, stay right there, I’m coming right back.” He was out of the room and accelerating, sliding on the floor, and shouting over his shoulder.

Ears forward, Houston watched Cagney disappeared. He’d done it. He’d managed to lower the human’s defenses. Next step would be to take control over Cagney’s mind.

With his defenses down, it’d be as easy as catching a bird.

99 Floofballoons

99 Floofballoons (floofinition) – International hit song by the rock floof band, Nenfloof.

In use: “The song, “99 Floofballoons” was about balloons that animals were using to save  trapped animals, but humans, mistaking the balloons for UFOs, began shooting at them. The animals used their quantum cloaking to hide further activities from humans, successfully de-escalating the situation.”

Floofnomics

Floofnomics (floofinition) – A social science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services in relation to household pets.

In use: “In many homes, floofnomics includes losses (thefts, really) incurred by pets stealing food, or taking and hiding other items, such as socks and toys. Few are the owners that haven’t discovered part of their planned meal purloined.”

Edfloofcate

Edfloofcate (floofinition) – 1. The process of delivering knowledge, particularly about rules, to animals.

In use: “You’re a new cat, so let me edfloofcate you to the house rules,” he said. “Number one, it’s my house and my rules.”

2. The process of training humans to understand that animals make their own rules.

In use: “Sitting down, the cat regarded the man with bemused eyes. Time to edfloofcate him about the truth about his house and his rules.”

 

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