Sunda’s Theme Music

It’s a balmy sprinter day. I thought winter had the upper hand but then sunshine cleared its throat and gave a roar and clouds parted like, WTF was that? A wind has genned up. A winter iciness was embedded in its front end but that wind fell away to a warmer, friendlier fellow.

Today is Sunda, February 23, 2025. I’m in a chillin’ and willin’ mood. My wife seems a little off. I know back pain has been needling her on top of what we endured with the passing of Tucker (pronounced Tuck-ah) and politics like the bullshit SAVE act and other assaults on women’s rights. She answered, “I think I feel a depression coming on.” Sorry to hear that. “What ’bout you?” she asked. “How are you doing?”

“Emotionally coming back up, physically strong, intellectually sharp. But I have had coffee, so….”

57 F outside now, we don’t expect much temperature increase past this. Some clouds sometimes rush past and spit at us. In other words, it’s a variable, sunny, cloudy day with strong winds and a chance of rain in Ashlandia.

I’m off to a late start with this post. I typically get up, go through the dreams, do some meditation, then feed cats and myself and begin writing. Today, I was thinking about politics and went in and wrote a lengthy post first off — after feeding the cat, of course. I mean, I’m not inhumane.

After writing and posting that, I did my leg massages, ate, and now, here I am. I heard “Livin’ on the Edge” by Aerosmith on the radio yesterday. That’s a song for the times, I thought. The Neurons agreed. They kept the 1993 song going in the morning mental music stream. And why not? The song was written in the wake of the 1992 Los Angeles riots. Those riots came after people reacted to four white officers being acquitted of using unnecessary force when they severely beat Rodney King. His beating was a trigger point for already existing issues.

The lyrics fit these times:

Tell me what you think about your situation
Complication, aggravation is getting to you, yeah
If Chicken Little tells you that the sky is falling
Even if it wasn’t, would you still come crawling
Back again?

I bet you would, my friend
Again and again and again and again and

[Verse 3]
There’s something right with the world today
And everybody knows it’s wrong
But we can tell ’em no or we could let it go
But I would rather be a hangin’ on

h/t to Genius.com

The line, “If you can judge a wise man by the color of his skin then mister, you’re a better man than I,” was part of a Yardbirds 1965 song, “Mister, You’re a Better Man Than I” by The Yardbirds. I thought I’d post that up here, too, because I like that connection across over almost thirty years of rock and roll.

Coffee has been snuck into me. Here we go, another day. Hope you have a great one, wherever you are. Cheers

Tueday’s Theme Music

Mood: puzzled

I’m careening along through the year, charging toward the next month with barely time to notice this month. So it feels, and has felt.

Today is Tuesday, October 24, 2023 in Ashlandia, where cheese, bread, and wine are made locally and taste above average. Leaves with fading colors litter the ground, crowding against curbs, huddling in storm drains and taking shelter against buildins and in bushes. High cirrocumulus offerings mark the blue sky’s ceiling like small pieces of popcorn. They’re moving east at an impressive clip as more serious looking stratus flow in from the east, heading west. 52 F now, 61 F is the purported high, according to those who know. Rain showers are forecast for this evening.

Songwise, I have “It’s Ok” buzzing in my head, a gift from The Neurons. Overhearing a person actually saying those words in the coffee shop, The Neurons immediately slotted them into the morning mental music stream (Trademark fabricated).

Released by Imagine Dragons in 2021, the song is about feeling different or being different. You know that feeling, right? Probably. I think most people feel it at one time or another, a sense that they’re either lost or out of step with everyone else, maybe confused about the beat they’re marching to because no one else hears it. The song reassures us that being so is acceptable.

It’s okay to be not okay
It’s just fine to be out of your mind
Breathe in deep, just a day at a time
‘Cause it’s okay to be out of your mind, mind

I don’t want this body, I don’t want this voice
I don’t wanna be here, but I guess I have no choice
Just let me live my truth, that’s all I wanna do
Baby, you’re not broken, just a little bit confused

h/t Genius.com

Stay pos, be chill, remain strong. I believe it’s coffee time. Join me?

Here’s the music. Cheers

Saturday’s Wandering Thought

When I’m happy, I want to have something enjoyable to eat. Steak and pie often speak to me at that point, although I rarely eat steak, rarely eat meat, as my wife is a vegetarian. Likewise, when I’m frustrated, or depressed, I want something enjoyable to eat. Steak — or a burger — come to mind, along with pie, or ice cream. It’s only when I’m in a good mood but not overly happy, but very focused, when I’m not prey to different eating urges. And that’s a bare sliver of a window.

It interests me how my urges to eat are similar when I’m happy or sad, an intriguing additional insight into my personal spectrum of being.

Depressing Dreams

The first found me alone, waiting for my wife. She’d been with me and then went off with her friends without saying anything. Her absence deeply aggravated me. As time passed and she didn’t appear, I began collecting papers. Don’t know what they were in RL but they were real and meaningful to me in the dream. At one point, I thought that I would kill one of her friends, blaming her for my wife’s absence. Although I wrote up plans, I knew that was wrong. I wasn’t going to kill anyone else. Maybe I should kill myself, though, the dream me thought.

My wife returned, bubbly, happy, late. Outraged stirred me. Her friend saw my notes and said, “Oh my god, he’s planning to kill me.”

I threw papers aside. “I’m not. Don’t you understand? I was on the verge of killing myself.” Sobs hit me with that declaration.

My wife was stricken. She stared in shock for several long seconds, and then she was gone again. That infuriated me but the dream ended.

I was at work as some corporate drone. I complained to my boss and co-workers that I felt useless, underemployed, and dissatisfied, and that it was draining me. My boss responded by trading me to another company. As the trade was completed, I expressed disbelief, and then was told to go to my new place of employment, which was in another city.

I went there with two other people, who already worked for my new employer. Arriving, I was given a desk and equipment. I complained, though, excuse me, what is my role? Who is my supervisor? Do I supervise anyone? I was answered, “What do you want to do? What have you done in the past?”

I tried answering, enumerating my different positions, employers, etc., which just seemed to depress me. I finished by saying, “You moved me to another city. I don’t know if I want to move. I don’t know if my wife wants to move.” Someone suggested, “Maybe we can get her a job,” and then chatted about that.

The dream ended with nothing resolved.

The Writing Moment

Sometimes during the writing day, he experienced irrational exuberance. Other times, he endured unallayed depression. In all the other work he’d done during his lifetime, he’d never experienced such highs and lows, almost in the same hour.

His moods were like a weird extreme weather system, a blizzard in one second, sunny and clear upon the next.

Velvet Rain

A velvet rain is falling. It’s a rain that makes the world feel cozier and more intimate, inviting deeper thoughts.

I’d planned to walk ten minutes but the rain soothed me, inviting me to keep going. I did, until two miles and an hour had passed.

The rain didn’t appear to soothe all. Some drivers took the rain as a sign to go, “Faster! Faster!”

The walking time allowed for solitude and writing time. I’d dropped into my personal trough the other day in the cycles of buoyancy and depression. Oh, lord, that darkness. Daunting, it drinks me up and swallows me down. The sighs are heavy, the thoughts are bitter, and the world looks grim. Even the cats’ attentions are infuriating irritations.

Perspective helps me survive. Writing, walking, and solitude help me grind out perspective. Alas, Schedules and events kept me from consistently achieving two of the three. But yeah, I survived.

Our new microwave and range were delivered and installed yesterday. They look so modern, I was surprised to realize how ancient the replaced ten-year-old units looked, and the difference it makes to the kitchen. To celebrate, we went out to lunch, and then to a movie.

The movie is part of our annual Oscar Quest. Friends throw a party, and we like to be able to think and talk intelligently about the movies and performances. We’ve only seen a few noms, so we’re behind. We saw “The Post” yesterday. That increases our total to four. We have work to do in our entertainment. None of the previews (“Love, Simon,” “Red Sparrow,” “7 Days in Entebbe,” and “Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool”) didn’t inflame deep interest. Each struck me as something to stream and watch at home when it’s available through one of our subscriptions. Of the four, “Love, Simon,” sparked the most intrigue. I suppose I’m too picky and cynical.

As the lights dropped and the previews played, and then the movie opened, my writers emerged with scene ideas. When we returned home, I quietly sat down (quietly, so as to not attract the cats, who seemed determined to stop me from writing at home) at the laptop, opened the required doc, and wrote the scene and changes. Not interested in tempting fate (the cats! the cats!), I saved and closed the doc, but later, while eating, more writing visited me. I stole back into the document and added a few more pages. Best, it left me knowing exactly where to begin today.

It’s a fine feeling, to know what to write, to write it, and to look forward to writing more.

Liquid dripped onto the coffee shop table as I unpacked and set up. Rain or sweat? I don’t know; either were plausible. I suppose I could taste it, but it’s not a critical difference.

Tonight, Wednesday, is when I meet with my friends for conversation and beer. It’s a standing invitation. My attendance record is lackluster but the rain is whispering, “You should go.” I’m ambivalent, but contemplating it.

Meanwhile, the first gulps of hot, black coffee have scalded my lips and tongue. Time to write like crazy, at least one more time.

 

The Energies

He doesn’t want to be with her, because she’s crazy.

He avoids being with him, because he’s sick, and he doesn’t want to catch whatever he has.

She must be avoided, because her neediness exhausts him.

He can’t stand being with them, because their smugness enervates his Chakras and burns down his soul, and they must be ducked because their ignorance diminishes his joy.

So he tramps around by himself, struggling to find the right energy between the buildings and trees, and praying to the sun for help.

Dark Day

Somewhere in the middle of the night, the black steamrolled me.

It may have started with a series of disturbing dreams. I was with a group, a class of sorts, and a woman poured coffee onto my computer keyboard as a joke. I cleaned it up as other actions began. Then, in dream fashion, I was vacuuming dry autumn leaves up in the living room with my father…what…? Then I sat on a sofa to rest, and felt a force trying to lift me up from the sofa and move me…. I decided to let it. It took me across the room and set me on the floor.

A cat puking on my chair and demanding let out at 4:15 AM disrupted the dreams and may have contributed to my black mood.

Stepping in the puke could have been a catalyst to further darkness.

Writing in my head as I returned to sleep became a slamfest. Self-esteem drained out as my inner critic took over. “That stuff you’re writing is unimaginative, weak and turgid. That crap you published is a disease to humanity. Chuck it all. Find a useful hobby. Knitting, or water painting. Take up baking. Don’t write, please, for all that’s bright and beautiful in the world, don’t write.”

Sleep was recalcitrant after that, telling me, “I don’t want to get anywhere near you, with that mood coming up. I’m reading the signs, and a bad storm is rising.”

This black is a greatest hits compilation. Low self-esteem, depression, weariness, anger, irritation, resentment, then another cover of depression.

‘It’s okay not to always write,’ I read in another blog.

Maybe I’ll take the day off. Either that, or open any vein, and see what comes out.

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