Confloofdential (floofinition) – Information which animals are only privy to know.
In use: “The cat urgently needed into the hall closet for confloofdential reasons, and the man had to comply in accordance with the Earth Floof Accords.”
Floofnipulate
Floofnipulate (floofinition) – To alter or change behavior or intentions by an animal’s actions.
In use: “As he went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, his cat tried to floofnipulate him into petting him by darting into his path and issuing little grunts, forcing him to take a zigzag course.”
Floofmate
Floofmate (floofinition) – 1. Animal or human’s position during an interaction which stops the other from moving.
In use: “The cat employed love eyes, a loud purr, and air biscuits to pin Rosie to her chair (with him on her lap) and gain floofmate.”
2. Animal or person who is a companion to another animal, or an animal who accompanies a person.
In use: “Scooby the little Yorkie and Loki, the big black cat, were constant floofmates, not just to one another, but to Beda, helping her in every aspect of her life at home, always there, no matter what was going on, unless it involved the vacuum cleaner.”
Floofcial
Floofcial (floofinition) – 1. Involving or relating to animal activities in which people spend time talking to animals, doing enjoyable things with animals, or sponsoring events which benefit animals.
In use: “A cat floofcial was happening in the backyard, with the three resident cats in their customary places being visited by three neighbor cats sitting on the fences, stopping by to say hello and chew the kibble, so to speak.”
2. Experience of an animal cleaning a human face with its tongue.
“Whenever she got home, her dog had to conduct a thorough floofcial, as if he was cleansing her of the outside world.”
Floofs Alone
Floof Alone (floofinition) – Comedy film about animals’ floofnanigans when they’re behind at home during a holiday and thwart criminals’ attempts to break into the house.
In use: “One of the highlights in Floofs Alone is the sequence when the burglars are kept from entering the house because of traps set by the home’s cats, dog, and bird through clever use of their toys, litter box, aided by the bird’s ability to mimic noises such as police sirens and guns firing, a skill acquired by observing the children’s video games.”
Infloofnito
Infloofnito (floofinition) – Animals’ ability to change shapes and appear as someone or something other than who and what they are.
In use: “Animals sometimes employ their infloofnito skills for fun, becoming part of the furniture as a joke on their people, watching as they walk around, calling their names and hunting for them.”
Friday’s Theme Music
Dateline: Ashland, Oregon, USA. Friday, November 11, 2021. Sunrise allegedly came to the valley at 6:57 AM after a night of mild temperatures that drooped to 42 degrees F. Three cats were said to have witnessed the sunrise. This reporter reached out for confirmation but all phone calls and emails were initially ignored before one cat, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “Listen. Time exists. But that clock and calendar crap is all human.”
“Surely animals pay attention to time.”
“Sure, but we don’t try to carve it down to tiny pieces to eat like humans do. Listen, there’s small time and big time.”
“Small and big time?”
“You don’t know this? Humans are so dumb. Small time is eating time, sleeping time, bathing time, screwing time, and playing time. That’s all the time you need. I don’t need anything fancy, like seven o’clock, to know it’s eating time. And we don’t call eating time a bunch of different names. You’re eating. That’s all you need to know. Humans complicate everything.”
“But what about hunting and killing? Animals do these things.”
“As part of eating, or screwing, but most of us only do it when necessary. Killing takes a lot of energy.”
I was scribbling in haste but he was turning away. “What’s big time?”
“Being born and dying.” He sauntered away, speaking over his shoulder. “Now leave me alone. It’s sleeping time.”
For theme music today, I’m going with Rod Stewarts’s 1989 song, “Forever Young”. I’d never seen the video before. Was living in Germany for the military and didn’t get a chance. Probably could’ve but didn’t watch much television in those days.
Stay positive, test negative, wear a mask as needed by situation, and get the vax and booster when you can. I’m scheduled for the booster next Tuesday. I’ll ask the cats to give you an update once it’s done. Now. Need coffee. Enjoy the tune. Cheers
Solflooftary
Solflooftary (floofinition) – Being alone with nobody except an animal.
In use: “Many people find solflooftary time to be the most pleasant and rewarding part of the day, whether it’s walking the dog, visiting with a horse or bird, sitting with a cat or dog sleeping on their lap, or other activities.”
The DJ Dream
My cousin and I were young disc jockeys at a small radio station. We were pretty good and enjoying ourselves. Unfortunately, something my cousin said caused him trouble with management. Since I was there, I as indicted by them for the transgression. As punishment, we were to cut the grass.
The grass was on a small knoll. It was about knee high on what was essentially an overgrown but healthy lawn. Using hand tools, and then electric string trimmers, we cut the grass back, complaining as we did. Chief critical observation by us was how a radio station was using us for yard work as punishment.
Meanwhile, my cats required feeding. I went to feed the three of them. Frantic for food, they encircled me, a caterwauling trio. I had to move some asparagus dip. When I did that, the cats begged me for some. I wasn’t certain if asparagus dip was safe for them but put some on a plate. The young orange one at once jumped on the plate, knocking other things off it. I then decided the dip wasn’t safe for them so I took the plate away, opened some standard cat food, and fed them.
Back with my cousin, he was finishing cutting the grass. I told him to stop because we shouldn’t be doing that. He and I went inside where other people were gathering. My cousin and I decided we were going to quit the station. We then joined some people inside, in a large but cluttered room. They were trying to solve a problem with a water on a roof. The problem was the way the way the water was being routed to be removed from the room. They had three diagrams. Each showed a similar looping design. The people were trying to decide which was the best solution. I took the diagrams from them and compared them to the roof.
“None of these will work,” I said. I pointed out the roof had overhang. The diagrams didn’t take that into account so the proposals were al flawed. I kept having to explain it and show the diagrams to people and compare them to the roof. People suddenly began agreeing with me, telling me, “You’re right. They won’t work.” They wondered how they missed that.
A woman came by and asked if my cousin and I were going to DJ. We looked at each other. I answered, “No, speaking for me, I’m done with that.” She then said, “I have a better offer for you if you want to come with me.” After some back and forth with questions and answers, I realized she was offering me a job as a DJ with a national network. My cousin was welcome to come but they were offering me the position, and they would find something for him. Hearing this, my cousin grew upside and threw a tantrum. The woman said that I should pursue it because it was a great opportunity, and that if I did, I could help my cousin. I reluctantly accepted.
Snowfloofcross
Snowfloofcross – (floofinition – Games with animals which involve snow, jumps, and turns.
In use: “She always loved introducing her new pets to the snow and watching their reactions. The cats and kittens — except for his meowjasty, Henry the Eighth, of course, who did all with excited abandonment — all walked with frozen stiffness (sorry), shaking off their feet. But the puppies initiated a snowfloofcross, gamboling around with snowy sloppiness.”
Michael Seidel, writer 