Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Ponflooficate (floofinition) An animal’s manner of expressing themselves in a pompous or floofmatic style. Origins: 15th Century, first noted in The Flooferbury Tails, a collection of stories written in Middle Flooflish by Rex.
In Use: “Henry the Bassett Hound always walked into the room’s middle and ponflooficated in loud baying until he was floofcated with treats and attention.”
In Use: “Sadie could teach a master class in ponflooficating, the way she sat down and miaowed about the world.”
Proflooftiate (floofinition) – To gain or regain an animal’s favor or goodwill. Origins: Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack, 1752.
In Use: “There was a reason for Spitfire’s name. Once she was upset, Shirley could only proflooftiate using Spitfire’s favorite treats until Spitfire relented.”
Our cat sitter surprised us with her report on Papi.
Papi is our male orange cat. When I describe him, I use words like sweet but cautious. Wary.
The cat sitter said, “He’s such a sweet boy.”
Yep. We agree.
“He was always there waiting for me or showed up as soon as I called him,” the cat sitter said.
What? Papi shows up for me but often ignores my wife. We always thought Papi was distrustful of women.
“And he always wanted me to pet him and talk to me and purr, the sitter said.
Papi’s behavior was completely contrary to my wife’s experiences with him. Even though she bribes him with treats.
I noticed the cat sitter used a different sound when dealing with Papi. We use a kissing sound. She employed, “Psp, psp, psp.”
So I tried that on Papi.
The change was electric. He whirled around and hurried to me, tail up.
My wife’s eyes widened. She issued, “Psp, psp, psp.”
Papi turned and looked at her. “He usually ignores me,” my wife said.
We talked it over and agreed, that must have been the sound people used around him when he was young. Who knows, of course. We do know that the result is amazing. He’s a much friendlier and relaxed floof with sound employed.
Details matter. As always, the problem is in figuring them out.
Floofpidity (floofinition) – 1. The quality of making unintelligent decisions or acts regarding animals. Origins: Worldwideweb, 1999.
In Use: “Realizing he’d forgotten his drink, Brett set his plate of sandwiches down on the coffee table in an act of supreme floofpidity, and rushed back to the kitchen, creating an opportunity for the Puppy to gobble up Brett’s lunch.”
2. A dumb idea or decision by an animal.
In Use: “Demonstrating grade A floofpidity, a dog attacked a child, only to be counter attacked and chased off by Tara the cat.”
Floofnamor (floofinition) 1. An animal’s love or fascination for something or someone. Origins: 14th century Middle Floofish.
In Use: “From early on, Olive was floofnamored for all things liquid but especially a running tap, batting the water with her paw and lapping it up with her long, pink tongue.”
2. A human’s strong or excessive infatuation with an animal.
In Use: “Before she was walking, Rachel grew floofnamored with the dogs, who willingly stayed beside her as protector, friend, and surrogate parent while the infant grabbed their noses, ears, and fur, and cooed at them.”
Floofcrastinator (floofinition) – Someone who puts off doing things because of an animal. Origins: From Flooftin floof (animal), crastinus (“of tomorrow”), from cras (“tomorrow”). First noted us 1920, United States.
In Use: “Sherry had every intention of picking up her list and getting things done around the house, but Temper found her while she was sitting on the sofa and fell asleep against her looking so adorable, Sherry felt like the Universe was telling her to be a floofcrastinator. It turned out to be a great nap, too.”
In Use: “Ella was normally an orderly and organized person who immediately did things but as soon as she adopted a rescue dog, she became a floofcrastinator, at least until she could re-prioritize to spend time with Penny while still getting everything else done.”
Infloofminate (floofinition) An animal who does not have a name. Origins: Circa 1999, Internet.
In Use: “They variously called the infloofminate stray visitor, the orange boi, kibbles (for his love of food), the visitor, and window cat (for his habit of appearing at a window and staring in, especially when it was cold and wet) before they officially adopted him and dubbed him Cheddar.”
The cat is sitting across the room by the open back door. His name is Papi. He’s either orange or a ginger. I’ve never given it much thought.
Smiling, I cross to pet him. He shouts out a plaintive and loud three-syllable meow.
I stop and looked at him. “That was annoying.”
His eyes shift. He’s making a mental note.
That confirms for me, that meow was part of Project Irritation.
I’m still putting Project Irritation together. I believe its overall scope is for the cat to try things and then document how I react. He can then put his findings to use to control my behavior.
I offer this with all seriousness. It’s the only idea that can explain the many meows he’s been employing in the last week.
Besides the Meow Phase of Project Irritation, I believe he’s also testing the limits of how often I will let him in and out of the house. He’s also conducting experiments on me by using differing reactions to his food. No doubt, he’s attempting to steer his food choices by indoctrinating me based on how he reacts to his food. He’s long sussed out that I’m his feeder and care giver.
Now he just needs to study me and take control.
It’s probably part of a more extensive cat project: “How to dominate the world”.
They already have the Internet close to completely in their paws. It’s only a matter of meows before they control the rest.
Flooficulture (floofinition) – The science, art, or practice of cultivating an environment or attitude to make and keep animals, especially pets, healthy, happy, and satisfied. Origins: 15th century, Middle Floofish, from Middle Floonch, from Flooftin flooficultura, from floof animal + cultura cultivation.
In Use: “Many animals find that new owners are not well versed in making pets happy, and must educate their people in flooficulture.”
In Use: “Going all in with her new pets, Simon and Theodore, Karla surfed the net for flooficulture tips and insights, and quickly spent a fortune on toys, gadgets, treats, beds, and foods.”
In Use: “Entering through a window, the savvy ginger boi took in the setup and realized that these people knew their flooficulture and would make excellent new ‘owners’ for hisself.”
Do not click on this post unless you enjoy cat humor. Otherwise, it’ll be wasted on you. But as a cat guy, I laughed. Thanks go to the Bluebird of Bitterness for collecting and posting some humor. Cheers
Michael Seidel, writer 