“It’s that time of month.”
It’s not a monthly thing, but a cyclic thing, this periodic slide into a dark trough. I feel it as it comes on. It feeds my bitterness (or I feed it), despair, and frustration. I think, I’m a terrible writer, person, husband, son, and man, a waste of air, space, and energy, and the world is a shitty place.
I know it’ll pass. While it’s happening, I need to keep a check on myself so I don’t do lash out or burn my world down. It’ll pass, you know? But at least twenty-four to thirty-six hours of it are a deep abyss.
So, mood music is required for this shit. Today’s choice (probably used in the past, but I didn’t check, because — mood) is “On the Dark Side”, by John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band, as heard in the 1983 movie, Eddie and the Cruisers.
Let the merriment begin!
One of my favorite songs is featured in my music stream today. “Lido Shuffle” by Boz Skaggs was released in 1977. I was immediately enamored. I like that refrain, “One more for the road” that he sings out. Although it sometimes comes out when I’m having a drink, more often it’s about trying again for me. That goes back to another part of the song.
He said one more job ought to get it
One last shot ‘fore we quit it
One more for the road
“One last shot ‘fore we quit it.” Put that on my death marker. (I plan on cremation, so just mention it when my ashes are spread. Don’t have a preference about where they’re spread; I’m stardust, and I’m already everywhere.)
I don’t like givin’ up, damn it. I’m always for trying one more time, but I don’t do it the same way; I think, what can I change? How can this be done differently?
I will often walk away, to think about it or let my brain work a problem on its own without my interference. I’ve often found success that way. It’s one reason why I enjoy working alone. Others will indulge in endless discussions about how and why. They want all answers given beforehand. I just like jumping in and doing it.
My attitude is a multifaceted plethora of clichés. A good plan now is better than a perfect plan later. Baby steps; make small changes and adjust. Don’t fear failure. If at first you don’t succeed —
Well, you got it. Please give the song a listen. It’s a jazzy, up-tempo ol’ tune.
And please wear a mask.
I’m having fun with my writing these days. I usually have fun but some days become more challenging and wearying.
Not so now. Still typing with one hand so I hunt and peck across the keyboard and through the story. Six hundred words a day is usually the sum of two hours of effort. My biggest typing issue is that my finger often finds the ‘y’ when I’m seeking the ‘t’.
The characters’ voices are strong and clear. I’m infatuated with the concept. Variations on it delight me as they spool out. Abetted by slow typing, I’m taking my time developing the story and building the plot.
It’s clear to me that I’m riding toward the peak of my up and down cycles. Dreams have been empowering, inspiring, energizing, and enabling, exhorting me to be positive and to not despair. It’s a pleasure when your subconscious becomes a supporter instead of a saboteur.
Got my coffee. Time to write like crazy, at least one more time.