Tailtalk

Tailtalk (Catfinition): The way cats communicate with humans via a flexible appendage on their rear.

In Use: Jade was a tailtalk queen, easily and especially demonstrating her displeasure via her tail. This made her an easy mark. When she was asleep, we would draw close and whisper her name. She would respond with a few brief tail tip flicks – “I hear you.”

Increasing our volume, her tail responded with more movement. So it was repeated until we said, “Jade,” and her tail wildly beat, demanding, “WHAT?”

She always had the last word in this. Waiting until we were soundly asleep, and then leaping from the dresser to the bed at three in the morning.

Her tail was up with happiness during that time.

Soul Mate

The first night, we met, crashing into one another as we entered a bar. Classic, right? She bought me an IPA to atone for the accident, even though I claimed responsibility. After paying and smiling, she disappeared into a clutch of friends. I drank the beer and had a cheeseburger and fries. Sometimes, I glimpsed her on the other side of the club. She was usually laughing and surrounded by admirers. I wished I’d gotten her name.

On the second night, I found her sitting at the bar, watching the door. I’d been hoping to see her. Saying, “Hi,” I walked up to her. “I’ve been waiting for you,” she said. I felt like I’d smoked a lid after that.

Gushing with an energetic joy of life, she told me her father was a state senator on her third night, and on the fourth night, after we went to my room and did the nasty, she revealed she was adopted, and I told her my life story.

“My father molested me,” she told me on the fifth night. “That’s why I was taken away from him and put into foster homes. I was lucky to be adopted, but my new father molested me, too.” Her spirit amazed me. She was indefatigable.

I was told she had no brothers or sisters on the sixth night, and on the seventh night, she explained that she was a millionaire’s daughter. She was in hiding because she’d witnessed some crimes, and Donald Trump had come to her father’s house once, and groped her. “I didn’t mind,” she said, shrugging. “He was rich and sexy.”

We talked about 9/11 on the eighth night. “I was already supposed to be at work,” she said, tears dripping down her face. “For a company meeting. But it felt like a hand held me down and a voice whispered in my ear. “Don’t go,” it said. “Stay home. Be safe.” So I did. All my co-workers died.” I comforted her through the night.

“I love you,” she whispered on the ninth night. “I love you, too,” I whispered back. We kissed, long and deeply, the way you do when you’ve found your soul mate.

I asked her to marry me on our tenth night. Hugging me, she slobbered me with kisses and tears, and answered, “Yes, yes, yes.” We made love and slept together for the first time. Then we stayed in bed the next day, ordering room service for our meals.

On the eleventh night, she slipped out to get clean clothes. I never saw her again.

On the twelfth night, a woman knocked on the door and asked me if her sister was there. I spent the twelfth and thirteenth nights looking for her, and then, heartbroken, I went home to my wife and children.

God, I miss her.

DirectFURR

DirectFURR (Carfinition): A cat responsible for overseeing activities for specific functions, such as greeting guests.

In Use: “This fluffy cat has never missed a day of work during her time as the directFURR of Guest Relations at the Algonquin Hotel in New York City. After seven years of service, she is retiring and handing over her job to her new protégé.

Meet Matilda III!”

Matilda III

 

April Into August

April trickles into May.

May flows into June.

June bursts into July.

July explodes into August.

Time accelerates throughout the year, racing past itself in a star-spangled red-blue shift, catching itself to devour its tail, squeezing the breath out of those of us trapped in the middle.

Xenofelina

Xenofelina (Catfinition): From the ancient cat, xeno, meaning strange, and felina, cat, xenofelina means an unfamiliar cat.

In Use: “A xenofelina, gray with a white ruff and dainty white mittens, crept into the back yard. Ears up and eyes wide, the home cats initiated a Defense Emergency, with Boo meowing like an angry air raid siren.”

Wave-line

Wave-line (Catfinition): A cat who is in tune with people.

In Use: “She was feeling sick and down, but Grace was a wave-line. Finding her curled up in a chair, the velvety black cat jumped up on the chair’s arm and offered a few soft, purring trills. Licking her once on the tip of her nose, Grace curled up and watched her with concern in her bright golden eyes.”

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