Floofvelation(floofinition) – Surprising and newly discovered information about an animal. Origins: 14th century, Floofglo-French.
In Use: “Crystal lived with Priscilla for four years before the floofvelation that Crystal enjoyed eating peas and corn rose.”
In Use: “After rescuing McGyver (often just called Mac in daily conversations), Henry was surprised by the floofvelation that McGyver could climb trees.”
In Use: “Goldie looked like an average, ordinary goldfish, but Amy was sure that Goldie was special because of the floofvelation that Goldie always went to the surface and bobbed for a few seconds whenever Amy came into the room, like the little fish was greeting her.”
Flooftwirl(floofinition) – Animal behavior that consists of it turning in one direction several times in a display of anticipatory pleasure. Origins: 2024, Internet, predominantly United States.
In Use: “As Judy drew a can of food out of the cupboard to feed Butch, Butch exercised three perfect flooftwirls.”
In Use: “When Gavin entered the house, Marvin the Mischiefizer ran over and did several excited flooftwirls before finishing the dash to her favorite guy.”
In Use: “Watching Mama Pearl do flooftwirls when the feeding person entered the room, the kittens were soon practicing their own flooftwirls at feeding time.”
Went grocery shopping yesterday. A light shop, a stop-gap function done because we were in Medford for a medical appointment, so let’s shop since we’re here. Combining tasks is the ‘Merican way.
Watching folks with their shopping carts in stores, I thought, we really need to codify some basic shopping cart etiquette. I mean, most of spend an impressive chunk of existence in the U.S. in stores, guiding a shopping cart. Some rules and expectations could be helpful. Like, “Do not block the aisle with your cart and body. Be mindful of other shoppers.” Yes, that’s a toughie for some: mobility issues, size of the aisle, and size of the individual all contribute to the difficulty levels. But at least make an effort, won’t you?
While we’re at it, could you pay attention when you’re wheeling your cart down an aisle? Nothing like being forced to stop and watch as some yo-yo pushes their cart blindl forward while looking behind them. I was going to say to treat your cart like you’re driving a car but numerous lobotomized drivers seem to be steering motorized vehicles these day.
BTW, we’re all tired and impatient. You shoving your cart around, cutting others off, doesn’t help the sit. But we witness the same thing in road rage incidents, don’t we, as people impatiently cut corners and run red lights and stop signs.
Anway, to socialize these new shopping cart norms, we can involve shopping carts and celebrities. Imagine synchronized shopping cart activities in Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and other holiday parades. Shopping cart manuveuring and rules can be taught in elementary school. Remedial courses can be offered in high school and college. Perhaps there will be Olympic shopping cart events. Maybe we can change the hundred meter dash. Adding carts and staging it in grocery stores would make events like that more relatable to norms like me. We’d call it “The Shopping Cart Dash”. Makes more sense than high hurdles. How many times do you really do hurdles in real life?
Rev up your imaginaiton to the possibilities. James Croden could go shopping with celebrities. We can have a public service campaigns featuring Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift and other stars pushing shopping carts in stores while complying with the new etiquette. Which sports superstar, Hollywood uber star, or pop megastar would you like to see pushing a shopping cart to inspire you? With examples like Joey Logana, Selena Gomez, Jelly Roll, Tina Fey, Ellen, Aaron Judge, and Patrick Mahomes leading the way, we could become a nation known as polite and civilized shopping carters.
I mean, what else do we have going for us at this point?
Welcome to Windsday, December 11, 2024. We’re calling it Windsday here in Ashlandia as the wind is calling the moves and has the trees square-dancing under a white slab of sky. Currently, the thermometer sits at 42 F and the thermostat rests at 68 F. Today’s high will see the measuring one stab at the low fifties.
We descended on friends’ house for their birthday party last night. The couple have been married 45 years and share the same birthday. So, per their wishes, we arrived with pizza from their favorite place, a salad my wife provided, and a few pints of Talenti ice cream. Intelligent and engaging people a few clicks older than us, a good time was had. They have two young cats who are not permitted to be outside except in their backyard on a harness or in their catio. For some reason, the wife gave me two containers of Applaws sardine and mackarel catfood. I fed our floofs one of these this morning. Man, they licked the bowls clean and stumbled away, grinnin’ and lickin’. I think they liked it.
Our late purveyor of news, Ashland Daily Tidings, had a Frankenstein moment. The newspaper name and their old website were used to provide fake news to the world. Yes, because the world has a fake-news shortage, I suppose. No, whoever did it is just sucky people doing sucky things. I suppose the bottom line is that their life sucks and they want to spread the suck. Thus, I suspect that they are rightwingers. Modern rightwingers aren’t happy unless everyone conforms to their sucky version of being. Now that they’ve elected a sucky guy who will be a sucky prez, and is assembling a sucky administration, the suckiness will commence in January.
But, The Neurons said. The Neurons have “The Rose” playing in the morning mental music stream (Trademark sucky). “The Rose” was a 1979 hit for Bette Midler out of the movie called The Rose. The Neurons are riding the lines that go, “Just remember in the winter, beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose.” Good idea to rally around: with this sucky prezzidency falling over us, we’re going into winter. But we just must nurture those seeds of freedom, democracy, equality, and sanity, and help them bloom when the sucky winter is over.
Lean toward the sun. Be pos. Coffee and I have begun a new day of collaboration. Here’s the music. Cheers
Flooflective(floofinition) An animal’s ability to exclude and filter information so they only hear what they desire to hear. Origins: England, 1888.
In Use: “Rocky’s flooflective hearing allowed him to sleep through blaring television shows and people talking, but as soon as a bag was opened in the kitchen, Rocky heard it and was in there floof de suite.”
In Use: “Skipper had remarkably flooflective hearing, easily discerning the words, treat, walk, and ball, while remaining completely obfloofvious to stay, sit, down, and stop.”
It’s Soonday, December 9, 2024. We’re enjoying a clear sky loaded with sunshine and an outdoor tempy of 28 F. Frost has shadowy places airbushed with white influences. A dense fog warning is percolating while 49 F is being dangled in front of us as a high. Should say that it’s my local system calling out 28; in other parts of Ashlandia, sunshine has cleared the forests and mountains and 42 is already being experienced. A friend’s weather setup, available via Wunderground, has his temperature at 31 F. Dress appropriately.
Moving slow this morning. That’s why I’m calling this soon day. Soon, I’ll get up and do things. Soon I’ll leave and get my hair cut. Soon. Night fraught with dreams and restlessness are keeping the go pedal from getting engaged, even though coffee and I have said our hellos. One dream featured me as a young man with young friends and relatives, traveling to another place. Along the way, I stopped to visit with others. There, I rested in sunshine and told people of other people’s businesses failing, along with places such as airports not being built. It ended with me trying to pull a nuisance weed, which then bloomed, leaped out of the ground and ran away, freaking us out. Then we laughed.
This cold weather and clear sky put me into a whirlpool of childhood memories. Once, while going outside to play football with friends when I was almost a teenager, I was accosted by mom. “Put a heavier coat on, for God’s sake,” she said. “It’s winter outside.”
Wise me replied, “It’s not winter yet, Mom, until the solstice, December 22.”
She answered, “It’s winter when it’s cold and the snow starts falling to me.”
We were living in Penn Hills, a Pittsburgh, PA, suburb. Snow had been falling since before Thanksgiving. Therefore, it was winter.
I used to talk to her about her winters in Iowa. She loved those days, she said, because they would stay in the house, where it was cozy and warm, and play games, listen to the radio, talk, cook, and clean. Winter remains her favorite season for those reasons.
Those memories crystallized into two songs for me last night. Both are called “Our House”. They’re very different. The first was dropped into the morning mental music stream (Trademark frozen) when a television show featured it ysterday evening. This is the “Our House” by Crosy, Stills, Nash, and Young. My wife sang along with it; that stirred The Neurons up, and triggered that memory whirlpool. But a rebel group of Neurons countered with “Our House” by Madness. Two very different songs. The CSNY offering says, “Our house is a very very fine house. With two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard. Now everything is easy cause of you.” Madness sings, “Father wears his Sunday best, Mother’s tired, she needs a rest, the kids are playing up downstairs. Sister’s sighing in her sleep. Brother’s got a date to keep, he can’t hang around.” The CSNY version is about a young couple’s domestic tranquility. Madness offers a portrait of hustle, growth, and noise.
Let’s get positive (sung to Olivia Newton-John’s “Let’s Get Physical) and move forward. 2025 is almost here. Here’s the music to help you along. Cheers
Floofralism(floofinition) – 1. Theory that two or more animals coming together shape reality. Origins: 1872, United States,
In Use: “Once Marsha and Geoff added three rescue animals — one dog and a feline brother and sister pair — a positive floofralism imbued the household, with everything becoming more relaxed and the two humans feeling happier.”
2. Flooflitical floofosphy that animals of different background, habits, and behavior, can peacefully co-exist and even thrive in the same household. Origins: 1787, Sheba and Champion (pets in James Madison’s household), United States (A Floofizen’s Guide to Flooflitics).
In Use: “Jeff’s two dogs were dubious when Jeff married Lori and she brought two cats, two birds, an aquarium full of fish, and another dog, but Lori’s elderly cat, McCavity, explained floofralism to the dogs, and adjustments were made.”
Gakdar (floofinition) – A system of instincts and senses used to spot an animal’s vomit before it is stepped in. Origins: circa 1960s, United States slang.
In Use: “His gakdar failing, Michael walked right into a small, wet present from one of his floofs.”
In Use: “Many people living with a pet for the first time soon learn that good gakdar is a necessity.
Nothing like unwittingly stepping — barefoot — into floof gack to change the morning’s trajectory.
Unwittingly is not superfluous there, either. On the one hand, what fool would wittingly step into floof gack? Are there people out there who cry with glee, “Look, floof gack,” and step in it? Perhaps; this world has some unusual individuals in it.
But it was unwittingly because I didn’t know anyone had gacked. So the gackdar was down. No warning at all until my recovering foot found the wet squishyness under it, forcing me to keep it up off the floor while I hopped-hobbled to the bathroom to rinse it off.
At least it was on the hardwood floor, and it wasn’t a major gack, just a category one. Easy clean up, you know?
Michael Seidel, writer 