Category: humor

Low Fat Foods

Just made lunch, and I must spread the gospel on these low fat foods.

This particular offering comes via Trader Joe’s. Low fat chicken and bean burritos, they’re ready after four minutes in the microwave. I put them on three and a half and then add some Mexican cheese for a little extra flavor and nuke it for thirty more seconds. Salsa is spread on it for additional spiciness. Afterward, I add some guacamole so I can get some good fat into me, followed by a few dollops of sour cream. The sour cream is a matter of economics; it’s getting old and I don’t want to have to throw it out. Waste not, want not.

It’s all quite delicious. I’m telling you, these low fat foods are the way to go.

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We Three Cats

With apologies to ‘We Three Kings’.

 

We three cats

are asking for food.

Nothing special,

just something to chew.

Kibble, wet food or treats will do-oo;

but not that bread,

noooo, thank you.

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Today’s Theme Music

‘The Full Monty’, starring Robert Carlyle, Tom Wilkinson, Mark Addy, Leslie Sharp and others, was released in 1997. I enjoyed the movie, and it has acquired that special status for me as a movie I watch again and again, and still enjoy. From one of my favorite scenes, here is Joe Cocker and ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’.

Let the music carry you through the day.

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Coffee Morning

Got my head out of bed

And my ass across the floor

Staggered through the hall

Hit my face on the door

 

My eyes were still closed

Couldn’t see where I was

Couldn’t even think

I needed a coffee buzz

 

Fumbled into the kitchen

The cats almost tripped me

Made it to the counter

And started huntin’ them beans

 

Found leftover grounds

But that weren’t much

My mind began howlin’

For its caffeine touch

 

The can was empty

So was the bag

There wasn’t even Sanka

This mornin’ was becomin’ a drag

 

I sucked on a used filter

To see me through

And licked up the dregs

Left from yesterday’s brew

 

My heart beat was flailin’

My thinkin’ gave out

And then my legs

And I started floppin’ about

 

The cats all gathered

But they was no help

The situation was dire

I began to yell

 

Then my wife came in

And bent down low

And said, “We’re out of coffee

But I guess you know.

 

“So I went to Starbucks

To get you a cup

‘Cuz I knew without it

You wouldn’t be much.”

 

I thanked her with tears

And sat up straight

And then drained the grande

And began to feel great

 

Then the horrible truth struck

‘Cuz my need was laid bare

I needed a second cup

But do I dare?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Fungible

Another “Is it just me?” moment struck today.

“Is it just me” that ‘literally’ no longer ‘means’ literally because it was used wrongly often enough that people accept the wrong definition as the correct one? That’s happened to many other words in my lifetime – replete and decimate come to mind. So, I guess, shrug. I should let it go. It’s history now, but , shrug, damn it.

Like, it also bothers me that people, media, and politicians (because pols and media are not people) will publish or state, “The little boy was found wandering alone, by himself, without his family.” I think they’re being a little redundant, but maybe that’s just me.

The classics of these cases still remain (‘still remain’, instead of just ‘remain’) in active use (can there be inactive use?). “At this point in time, we are currently now pursuing a new course of action.” Jesus, there are a couple unnecessary words in that statement. Or, a favorite, “I was just thinking in my head that we should do that.”

Really? You were thinking it in your head? Gosh, good for you. How did you learn to do that? I usually think in my pelvis.

It’s weird to me because I have, to the best of my knowledge (and whose knowledge would I otherwise use, and why would I use anything but the best of my knowledge?) that I’ve thought in my head my entire life. Therefore, it’s understood, and I don’t need to state where I’ve been thinking.

Is it just me or do I have I been wrong all these years? Do I need to clarify which body part was being used for which function? “I was walking, on my feet, to the store the other day….” “That bread was so hard, I was chewing, in my mouth, for literally hours.”

Okay, so my baseline is someone who growls at things like that. The minutiae others employ bothers me in some logic kernel in my brain. Communities building and developing without regard to water supplies triggers, “Is it just me, or is that stupid?” If not stupid, it seems short-sighted. “Is it just me, or is it ignorant,” to blindly allow fracking and pollute our water supplies and cause temblors and quakes? (Hello, Oklahoma and Pennsylvania, I’m smiling at you.)

“Is it just me, or have we put intelligence up our collective asses when we decree that people can’t grow food on their properties because that may adversely affect property values?” Yeah, it’s probably just me. Because, you know (I’m sure you do) food is far less important than property values. If the big one drops (know what I mean?), than we want to have high property values if we’re to survive the aftermath. I know that in many zombie movies, books and television shows, survivors are frequently lamenting, “What are we going to do? These zombies are adversely affecting our property values. If only we’d done more to protect our property values.”

Looking up ‘fungible’ triggered today’s “WTF, it is just me?” outburst. Looking the word up online, Merriam-Webster defines fungible as something that is fungible.

Fungible

I’m sure I’m displaying the full glory of my tree rings when I vent, “My teachers always told me not to use a word to define it.” What a deft (or is that daft?) definition. I now completely understand that fungible means something that is fungible. Very good. Excellent!

I did like the word of the day, though: asperse. Never heard of that. Of course, dubious of M-W’s definition, I looked it up elsewhere.

Venting completed, I will now, at this point in time, write like an insane, crazy maniac, one more time.

 

 

 

8

So Proud

Little victories count highly when the days roll on in dull hot and cold repetition, challenging me with tedium and boredom. Being an optimistic, though, I remind myself, at least I’m not under fire, fleeing a wildfire, fighting off zombies, dealing with disease, flooding and pestilence, or enduring anything discomforting.

I, on the computer, at the desk, hot coffee in a mug, cool wind through the screen at my back, was thinking through last night’s strange dream, wherein I was collecting health reports on my mother and faxing them off while helping other relatives handle exuberant dogs. Quinn, my personal feline attendant, completing his morning checklist, was beside me asleep on the desk. Suddenly –

Rising, he jumped down to the floor. Sensing something amiss, I tensed, not breathing, for several seconds.

Quinn began his upchuck routine.

Here’s where procrastination pays.

Leaping into action, I seized yesterday’s paper, which should have already been moved to the recycle but I hadn’t because the Zika virus! And Trump! And Hillary’s emails! And ISIS! And Giant Pearl!

Gently seizing Quinn, I spread the paper in front of him and held him as he brought up a hairball. Now my cat forensics rewarded me, as I knew Quinn does not stop with one. No, moving to one side, he began another. I slid the paper over and held onto him.

Once that was done, I let him go off, folding the paper with its ‘prize’. But Quinn wasn’t finished. A third seemed imminent. Folded paper in hand, I joined him, keeping him in place with gentle hands on either side, talking to him and stroking as I placed the paper beneath his head.

Fini, at last.

And I was so satisfied, so pleased and proud, because my cat had brought up a hairball with his morning meal, and I had intercepted it all, getting nothing on the floor, without either of us becoming freaked. Woo hoo, aren’t I great?

There was no one around to share my joy.

Quinn didn’t care. He moved to the window sill to enjoy the jays pondering the day. I, inspired by my MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT, cleaned the litter box.

Still, it’s a great day, isn’t it? Yes sir, no hairball on the floor. Call the news services. Set up a conference. Issue a press release.

And my coffee is still hot. Ish.

Woo hoo.

 

0

The Wormhole in My Mocha

Got a quad shot mocha for my writing drink today. The baristas are so earnest about their art. It’s become a habit for me to play critic with the outcomes.

Shannon finished my mocha with a central daisy, with two hearts rising on either side. Cool. I complimented her work. They always brim my drink so I always take the first swallows at the counter before walking away. This time, after doing so, I looked down to see how the art had changed, and discovered a worm hole, such as you’d see in Star Trek.

I pointed it out to Shannon. “That totally does,” she answered. “Are you going to use it in your next story?”

I laughed. “Of course.”

“I want royalties.”

I laughed more. “So do I.”

5

Oh, The Heat

It’s hot and I am compelled by Internet Law to write about this heat.

This heat, what, 105, 107? It’s just ruining things. Look what it’s doing to my electric bill when I run my air-conditioning. And the water bill when I water the lawn and plants. Yikes, you should see, you really should. It’s unbelievable.

It’s too hot to do anything but sit. It even affects my Internet connection, can you believe it? I’m serious, when the heat gets over 97, the Internet connection becomes spotty, don’t ask me why, but it really makes it so hard to post anything or find out who’s doing anything. THANK GOD for my iPhone!

It’s so hot, I can barely move. Even when I don’t move, I’m sweating. Look, I’m sweating now, and this is inside, in the shade. We’ve put up awnings and umbrellas on the porches and patios, and there is the pool for a cool dip but even these reliefs are so momentary because you wouldn’t believe the breeze, it’s like fresh out of a pizza oven. Speaking of which, we wanted to grill pizzas tonight but I told them, it’s just too hot for us to do that. Let’s go to a fun restaurant with air conditioning and spoil ourselves with fine food and drinks.

Otherwise, I’m just going to have to sit inside and read in the air conditioning today, and what fun is that? That’s hardly living. We should go away somewhere until this heat wave ends. Like Vegas! You check for some flights and I’ll look for a room. The Bellagio! I love it there!

Road trip! I am literally so excited. I can’t wait until this heat wave ends.

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