Felinenists
Felinenists (Catfinition): Cats who believe and forward the proposition that cats are equal to humans, and deserve the same rights, privileges, food, and places to sleep and eat.
Feline Rhapsody
Inspired by cats and “Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen (and sung to that melody, with the instrumentals). We pick it up about a third of the way in.
I’m just a ginger silhouetto of a cat.
Scalaboosh, scalaboosh, can we give him some kibble?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
His claws are very frightening to me.
Galileo. Galileo.
Galileo. Galileo.
His name’s not Galileo,
Is it Magnifico-ooo-oooo?
Oh, no, no, no, no, NO!
I’m just a ginger cat, nobody loves me,
He’s just a ginger cat, from a ginger litter,
Let him sleep on the bed tonight.
Easy come, easy go,
Let me go back out.
You just came in,
We will not let you out.
Let me out.
We will not let you out.
Let me out.
We will not let you out.
Let me out.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!
Oh, Mama Mia, Mama Mia,
Mama Mia, can I keep this cat?
You can’t keep this cat because it’ll be more work for me,
For ME,
For MEEEE!
So you think you can lock me inside?
So you think I won’t run around and cry?
Oh, human,
You can’t do this to me, human.
I just gotta get out,
Just gotta get right
Outta here.
Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
I’m just a feline that you must…
Pleeease.
Sorry, Queen.
M.F.W.I.C. (Updated)
M.F.W.I.C., aka MFWIC: (Catfinition) – Mother floof what’s in charge, a reference to the household queen who organizes the other pets, and enforces order and structure in the floofhold.
In use: “She wasn’t big nor vocal, but she was the MFWIC, and touching any of her charges – the other household pets – meant you had to first pass her scrutiny, no exceptions.”
Today’s Theme Music
Well, this is it.
We’ve begun the countdown to the end of the world, also known as The Doritos Great American Eclipse of 2017. I’ll keep posting right up until the last possible moment. Hope you survive; hope to see you on the other side.
In many ways, this reminds me of the other times the world has ended during my lifetime. One, of course, was when the Beatles broke up. Another, of less significance, but highly important, was when Coke launched New Coke. Our taste buds were thrown into a fizzy tizzy. What a nightmare.
Third on my list must be Y2K. It was such a disaster. We didn’t even have an official sponsor, or a good website. Despite knowing about it for years ahead of time, when it finally happened, it was soul-crushing and chilling. We went for days hunkered in our homes, watching television and old movies, eating junk food and microwaved pizza while awaiting the all-clear.
You know, when that all-clear was finally sounded, and we stopped out of the television’s glow and into daylight, we went right out and got a real pizza, and celebrated.
I want to reassure you all that if we survived those events, you can survive this eclipse. To keep you from getting too hopeful, I’ll play a little ditty that’s sure to depress you. From nineteen sixty-five, here is Barry McGuire, with “Eve of Destruction.”
* That’s not true. Doritos has nothing to do with the eclipse. It’s fake news that I made up.
Scratchnature
Scratchnature (Catfinition): Like a signature, a feline’s style of scratching at a surface, such as a door, to draw attention and be let in or out, is unique, and announces their identity to those who know them.
Purrvertures
Purrvertures (Catfinition): maneuvers and activities felines employ to seduce humans, and get rewards – belly rubs, play time, treats, and food.
Major Eclipse Sponsors Announcement
As rumored on the Internet for the last several days, the United States National 2017 Eclipse Steering Commitment has announced that Doritos has been selected as the official sponsor of the 2017 American Eclipse. The eclipse is now officially known as The Doritos Great American Eclipse of 2017.
In other eclipse related news, Mountain Dew is the official soft drink of the DGAE 2017. Budweiser has been selected as the official beer, and Nike is the official shoe. Rumors are circulating that Pepsi will issue a commemorative eclipse can.
Pre-eclipse entertainment venues and entertainers were also announced. Among other performers, Pink Floyd has agreed to open festivities in Depoe Bay, Oregon, with a videocast of “Eclipse” when the eclipse begins. Britney Spears will play in St. Louis, Missouri, and Shania Twain will perform at Clemson in South Carolina. Pharrell will perform a Michael Jackson song and moon-dance. Van Morrison will sing “Moon Dance,” and Bonnie Tyler is expected to perform “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”
WalMart has announced a spectacular Black Monday sale in conjunction with the eclipse. Prices will be slashed in half during the totality.
The Doritos Great American Eclipse of 2017 officials remind everyone to practice safe observing during the eclipse. Officials are also urging everyone to avoid taking selfies of themselves with the sun during the eclipse.
In other eclipse news, President Trump has denounced the eclipse as fake science via Twitter, and urges all Americans to ignore the stories in Lame Stream Media about the eclipse.
That is all.
Eclipse Guidelines
Jim, one of my fellow SOBs and BOBs (Sons of BOBs, and Brains on Beer, respectively), came up with these helpful Eclipse Guidelines. I thought they hold some important points, so I share them with the rest of the world. Cheers
I wish to alert you that there may be an eclipse planned for next week.
On Aug. 21, the United States, having won a bidding war against Qatar for the rights, will host a total solar eclipse. To help you get maximum enjoyment from this rare celestial event with minimal injury or death, here’s an eclipse Q&A:
Q. What causes a total eclipse to happen?
A. The best way to understand it is to imagine that the Earth is a cantaloupe, and the moon is a grape. The grape travels in a circular path (technically called a “trajectory”) around the cantaloupe, while at the same time the cantaloupe travels around a flaming basketball representing the sun. Once in a great while, the grape reaches a certain point (the “hypotenuse”) that causes it to cast an unusually harsh shadow (the “penumbra”) and the resulting reduction in temperature extinguishes the basketball, thus plunging the cantaloupe into total darkness.
Q. So you’re saying that during an eclipse the sun actually goes out?
A. Only for a few minutes. It usually comes back.
Q. What if it rains on Aug. 21?
A. The eclipse will be held the following Monday.
Q. What if the Russians hack the eclipse?
A. Trump has already prepared a strong retaliatory tweet containing, according to a White House source, “very few punctuation errors.”
Q. How can I tell if I am in the path of the eclipse?
A. Look outside. If you see strangers parked on your lawn, you are in the path.
Q. What will I experience during the eclipse?
A. It will get dark.
Q. Seriously?
A. Yes.
Q. That’s IT? Where I live that happens every night.
A. Perhaps so, but in an eclipse, after it gets dark, it — prepare for some celestial excitement — gets light again!
Q. Wow.
A. Yes! Isn’t it amazing?
Q. I was being sarcastic. You’re telling me millions of people are traveling long distances and paying insane hotel rates just to see it get dark?
A. In some areas there will also be wine tastings.
Q. What safety measures should I take when viewing the eclipse?
A. Safety experts strongly recommend that you wear steel-tipped shoes, a hard hat and ear protection. Also you should remain indoors in an uncomfortable crouch until the “all clear” has sounded.
Q. If I remain indoors, how can I view the eclipse?
A. Safety experts do not consider that to be their problem.
Q. Will the eclipse cause any unusual phenomena to occur?
A. Yes. Scientists tell us that during the eclipse UPS trucks will appear to be green, microwave ovens will actually make food colder, and any Starbucks beverage with a name ending in “ino” will spontaneously explode. Also all of the television sets on Earth, even those that are turned off, will simultaneously show the same “My Pillow” commercial. In the natural world, birds will migrate up and down instead of horizontally. Whales will suddenly question whether they really like plankton, or just eat it because it’s available. Certain breeds of dog may develop a primitive sense of sarcasm. Also herds of cattle have been known to spontaneously re-enact the rumble scene from “West Side Story.” All of these phenomena are perfectly normal and nothing to be concerned about, according to top eclipse scientists, who incidentally will be spending Aug. 21 in a mountain bunker in Peru.
Q. What about the religious groups who are claiming that this eclipse will trigger the end of the world?
A. Safety experts note that this is yet another argument for remaining indoors.
