“How do you set the alarm on a Fitbit?” he said.
She said, “Tell it that you’re going to replace it with an Apple watch.”
“What?”
“That’ll alarm it.”
Spider Update
We thought a black widow spider had started homesteading (websteading?) in the master bath. We go through these drills a few times per year. Per the household spider policy, I tried capturing it without clearly seeing it. The spider successfully retreated.
I haven’t seen it since that day. My guess is that it saw me naked and departed for somewhere else. After all, they’re more afraid of us than we are of them.
Floofcifer
Floofcifer (catfinition) – a devilish cat.
In use: “Acting in true floofcifer behavior, the diabolical little ginger cat waited until the man turned his back to rush forward, swat the other cat on its rear, and then turn and race to hiding before anyone could react.”
Monday’s Bumper Sticker
I laughed when I saw this bumper sticker on a car today. I think you need to know the book, Deliverance, or the movie by the same name, to appreciate this. The book by James Dickey came out in 1970, when I was fourteen. I read it a couple years later and found it an enjoyable read.
Then the movie came out. I thought it was faithful to the book, and was impressed that the movie seemed as good as the movie.
Advice
Back when I was eleven, my future-self visited me to impart some advance. “Always confirm that toilet paper is available before you sit down and start your business. Sometimes others won’t be there to spare a square.”
Then he left. He’d arrived ten minutes late, of course, and left without providing the square so desperately desired.
As Alanis would sing, “Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?”
Floofbernation
Floofbernation (catfinition) – condition or state in which a cat sits motionless, with their eyes open, their paws and legs curled and tucked underneath them, and their tail wrapped along their body, to stay warm.
In use: “It was a weak sun, so the cat went into floofbernation on the sidewalk in the hope that strong sunshine would soon arrive.”
Catwich
Catwich (catfinition) – inserted or stuck between two or more felines, often in a bed or restricted space, reducing its comfort.
In use: “Once again, he found himself pinned in bed, the human lunch meat in a catwich, with two floofs on either side acting as slices of bread to hold him in. It was like they planned these things.”
Floofgenue
Floofgenue (catfinition) – a naive kitten or young cat. Floofgenues were often referred to as females in traditional catology, but it’s now considered acceptable to apply the term to male or female cats.”
In use: “The old tomcat recognized the white newcomer as a floofgenue, and took the other under his paw to teach him the proper way to be a cat.”
Pawticuffs
Pawticuffs (catfinition) – a blow with a paw; combat with paws without extended claws.
In use: “Sometimes, when Pogo was irritated, pawticuffs would ensue, but the big ginger boy kept his claws retracted, an acknowledgement to them that the loving cat would never hurt them.”
Spider
The question before the household today is, “Is the spider in the master bath a black widow?”
My wife noticed it this morning, notified me, and left. She wasn’t sure if it was a black widow.
Our basic spider policy is live and let live. However, we usually relocate black widows, if they’re in the house. I know of one that lives on the front porch, and two in the garage. I’ve not seen any of them for a while. They might have gone away on vacation. I don’t know if spiders do that, or where they go if they do. Does Disney operate a place called Spider Land, where they have little spider rides and play games, like, catch the fly?
I tried checking the spider out. A big spider, it’s down by the floor in the corner, about a foot right of where my little toe on my right foot would be when I’m shaving. Its web didn’t quite look like a black widow’s web. It was now also day, and that area is pretty lit. I don’t think those are black widow conditions, but maybe this one was a trend setter.
The light wasn’t good, and there was an issue with getting too close. The issue was that I was nervous. I enjoy an active imagination and watching movies. The product of that formula is that I worry about a spider leaping out at me, like they sometimes do in movies. If it did, it would probably land on my check, something that I didn’t favor as an outcome.
So, I couldn’t see the spider well. Well, then, I’d capture and examine it, and go from there. I got some plastic ware from the kitchen and set out on my mission. Positioning myself, I gave myself a pep talk. Be fast and sure, because it was going to run. Once I had it in the plastic, I’d need to cover it with the lid. Okay, good plan.
In position, I shoved the plastic forward.
I’d overlooked one thing: the freaking little plastic piece was too big for the space.
Naturally, I’d broken the web, alerting the spider that something big was after it. It ran for cover, dashing into a space under the sink.
Nuts.
That all happened two hours ago. Since then, I decided, aha, I’ll take a picture of it, or video. But I just checked; the spider has not re-emerged.
I’m sure there’s another act to this minor drama, but first, there’s an intermission.
