Category: humor

Mixed Bag

I’m free of my lodger, the Foley catheter that’s lived in my urethra and bladder the last thirteen days. Its removal was a relief. Sadly, though, I also had to say good-bye to Sloshy.

Sloshy was the nickname bestowed upon my leg urine collection bag. I wore that bag sixteen hours a day while the Foley was in me. During that time, Sloshy and I grew very attached. I found him to be a warm but shy personality. He rarely intruded on me except to slosh sometimes. He never said anything bad about anyone or anything, and never leaked, dribbled, or squirted. I don’t know if you can give a urine collection bag any greater praise than that.

I felt Sloshy’s sloshing was his way of chuckling. He had a great sense of humor and was often amused by how I drained him or swapped him with the night bag. I think it says a lot about him that the cats were interested in him, attempting to smell him and rub against him. Sloshy was for getting closer to them, but I kept them away. Of a voracious curiosity, he wanted to see more of the world than just the inside of my garments. I tried accommodating his dream by discreetly raising my pant leg when I was out in public so that he may have a look around.

He knew his time had come. Before we separated today, I spent a little private time with him, and then introduced him to the staff that were there to take him away. All agreed that he was the finest urine collection bag that they’d ever met, and also the first to have a name.

My most fervent hope for anyone else that ever has a bag on their leg is that it’s as fine a bag as Sloshy. A person could do worse.

***

Editing Note: I really did name my bag Sloshy and told the medical staff about it. They went along with it, making an entry in my records that my bag was named Sloshy. And, they did agree, they’d never heard a bag be given a name before. Well, there always needs to be first, right? I’m just sorry that I never took a selfie with Sloshy to share.

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Floofmagem

Floofmagem (floofinition) – a showy housepet, often with very fluffy, shiny fur, and not infrequently further decorated by bows or ribbons.

In use: “A true floofmagem, the long-haired amber cat with a black face and jade eyes sported flowing, long fur so evenly distributed that it could have been styled. A sparking collar that matched her eyes peeked out from the fur. What really sold her floofmagem image was her languid pose. Eyes partially closed, she looked like a graceful ruler at rest.”

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Hibble

Hibble (floofinition) – term housepets use for the foods that people eat.

In use: “Hearing the plastic bag rustle in the other room, the cat and dog recognized that she was getting one of her favorite hibbles, corn chips, out, and prepared themselves to beg for a few themselves, as the salty snack was one of their favorite hibbles, too.”

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Profits and Losses

They count the money and measure the angles,

lamenting what must be done.

The cost is high, to keep people alive,

and keep profits a tidy sum.

“What can we do, it’s the America way,

“that made us what we are today.

“Blame the old and dying, the sick, injured and ill,

“for not making enough money

“to pay their bill.”

 

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Floofonics

Floofonics (floofinition) – the study of housepet language and syntax.

In use: “His cats started talking to him more as they lived with him, and he developed floofonics, a science of listening to the nuances of their meows. It especially satisfied him to hear the cats talking to him about being fed. They began with sharp, loud meows that continued until he started to deliver their bowls to them. Their voices changed then, the volume dropping as the strident meows changed to mewmuring.”

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Mewmuring

Mewmuring (catfinition) – a soft, satisfied meow t often incorporates a trill or a purr, generally associated with a happy, contented cat and frequently heard just before a cat begins eating.

In use: “Sweet mewmuring replaced the kittens’ strident meowing demands, and then the sounds of eating wet food replaced the mewmuring.”

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Floofmance

Floofmance (floofinition) – a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love for a pet or animal.

In use: “Although the dog weighed over a hundred pounds, he continued to get onto the man’s lap for a few minutes everyday to get and give love, continuing the floofmance begun when the puppy was found a starving one pound furball.”

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Aquafloof

Aquafloof (floofinition) – a housepet who enjoys water. Note: feline and canine aquafloofs are respectively commonly called aquacats and aquadogs.

In use: “Wherever, whenever water was turned on, the dog, born from a liaison between a beagle and a collie, galloped in. If he wasn’t restrained, he leaped into the water – bath, lawn sprinklers, whatever. The aquafloof could never get enough of water.”

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Floof-quest

Floof-quest (floofinition) – the effort to find a housepet, whether as an addition to the home or because it’s missing; a housepet’s effort to find something or someone.

In use: “A floof-quest was begun because they couldn’t find the cat, but several suspected the cat had gone on a spiritual floof-quest around the neighborhood, and would return home when it was completed.”

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Affloofuent

Affloofuent (floofinition) – to have a wealth of housepets.

In use: “With five dogs, seven cats, several aquariums, birds, turtles, lizards, horses, sheep, and goats, the Barnes children considered themselves affloofuent.”

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