Category: humor

Thursday’s Theme Music

Caught myself singing these lyrics as I walked through the late afternoon’s sunny heat to the pub to have beer with friends.

Time is the essence, time is the season
Time ain’t no reason, got no time to slow
Time everlasting, time to play B-sides
Time ain’t on my side, time I’ll never know

h/t genius.com

Give yourself a million points* if you recognized “Burnin’ for You” by Blue Oyster Cult from 1981. Collect all the points for a chance to win big prizes.

*Points redeemable at any Points 4 Us location. No expiration date. Void in all fifty states, Washington, D.C., the U.S. Virgin Islands, Guam, and Puerto Rico. Cash value is one millionth of a cent. Not redeemable for cash. The points are completely bogus, which is beside the point.

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The Internet of Floof (IoF)

The Internet of Floof (IoF) (floofinition) – connecting devices to share information about animals, often focusing on housepets and their antics, or the love relationships between odd animal couples, usually through social-media postings.

In use: “On the Internet of Floof, it’s not surprising to discover dozens of posts a day about a neighborhood saving a cat in a tree, an old dog living on the street being saved and finding the safety and comfort of a home for the first time, or a pig raising orphaned kittens. Anything is possible on the IoF.”

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The Lesson

Hearing the sharp meow, thumps, and swearing, she knew what’d happened.

He came in seconds later. “That cat is so stupid. He’s black. He knows I can’t see him, but he still lays on the rug, and I almost step on him or kick him, and he gets upset. You’d think he’d learn.”

She answered, “He’s a cat. You know he’s not very smart. You’d think that you’d learn by now.”

He glared at her for several seconds before saying, “Sure, take the cat’s side,” and stalking out.

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Cenofloofic

Cenofloofic (floofinition) – household era that began when the newest housepets joined, continuing to the present. Unlike geological eras, epochs, and stages, the definition of floofic eras are often fluid.”

In use: “Lady passed, and so ended the mesofloofic era of their life in Ashland. Papi joined Tucker and Boo as the house cats, and so began the cenofloofic era with three new pets.”

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Floofpoch

Floofpoch (floofinition) – an event or a time characterized by having one or more specific housepets whose presence defines a new era.

In use: “The Flash Floofpoch meant no other animals were permitted in the yard, let alone the house. The little cat was on constant vigil against interlopers, jumping up from sound floofzes to rush to the window, look out, and growl at other beasts — squirrels, cats, dogs, people, whatever.”

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Floofprocity

Floofprocity (floofinition) – expectation among housepets that if one pet is given something, the others get some, too.

In use: “”Hello, sweetie,” he said to his puppy, bending down giving the happy, wriggling animal several scratches and kisses. As he looked up, the other dog and both cats headed his way, ready for some floofprocity.”

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Monday’s Theme Music

I don’t know ’bout you, but some days, I get up and think of my routine, and look at the world and the moment, and I think of other places. I think of beaches with a sun blistering the sea, and book stores with cafes, croissants and coffee, and strolling that endless beach in the mist of crashing waves. I look ’round and think, I just want to fly away.

Then I know what I want to do and need to do that day, and I snap out of it. But the song begun with the thought streams through me like the runoff from melting mountain snow.

Here’s Lenny Kravitz’s 1998 song, “Fly Away”. Guess I’ll have some coffee instead of flying away. You know, let the wings of caffeine lift me into the day.

 

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Public Service Announcement

Hear ye, hear ye, attend all ye interested in this news.

Anal bleach is now available at Walmart.

I find this news amazing for two reasons: one, who wants to bleach their a-hole? How do you reach that point, when you wake up one morning and think, time to bleach my a-hole? I can’t ever imagining awakening to that morning.

Then, they probably think, well, where do I get a-hole bleach?

Mind, I don’t know if that’s what it’s called. I don’t know what you say when you’re in Walmart and can’t find the a-hole bleach. What do you ask an associate? “Excuse me, can you tell me where the a-hole bleach would be?” Or do they already have them up on the little signs that tell you what’s in the aisle?

My number two to all of this is, a-hole bleaching is now so mainstream that Walmart is selling it.

Of course, I remember the ruckus raised when women modeled brassieres in the Sears catalog. It made the news!

A-hole bleach at Walmart didn’t make the news. Guess it wasn’t newsworthy. My wife read about it on some post. She shares my shock that people are bleaching their a-holes and the stuff to do it is sold at Walmart’s. It’s all about our age, culture, mores, and norms. Somehow, we just don’t think a-hole bleaching is going to turn out to be a good thing, but that circles back to our A-C-M-N, doesn’t it? I guess it’ll be real news when you can buy it at your local grocery store.

I think I’m going to go vape some green and think about what it all means.

 

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Floof Manchu

Floof Manchu (floofinition) – 1. Markings on a housepet that gives that a resemblance to having a fu manchu style mustache.

In use: “She was an unusual cat, mostly white but with orange eyebrows and a darker orange floof manchu.”

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Telefloof

Telefloof (floofinition) – the practice or habit of talking to housepets as though they understand.

In use: “Every morning, Michael began the day with a telefloof with the cats, advising them not to fight and asking their advice about his breakfast choices and the order that he should do activities. They made it clear that feeding them was top order of business.”

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