Category: humor

The Righteous Floofers

The Righteous Floofers (floofinition) – Floofsical duo known for their contrasting vocal ranges and flooful sound. Originally formed in 1963, Bill Floofley and Bob Floofield were the original members. Achieving success with top ten hits in the 1960s, they broke up in 1968 but came together again in the mid 1970s.

In use: “The 1964 release, “You’ve Lost that Floofie Feeling”, became a number one hit not just in the Floofnited States, but in Canfloofda and the Floofnited Kingdom, cementing the song as The Righteous Floofers’ signature sound.”

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The Animal Update

“Hold your horses,”

A little bird told me,

grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“A fly on the wall says,

he used to drink like a fish,

but he’s gone cold turkey.

Now he’s happy as a clam

though lazy as a dog.

Busy as a bee

feathering his nest.

As cute as a bug’s ear

in his cat’s pyjamas,

mad as a hatter,

but quiet as a mouse,

maybe because the cat got his tongue.”

I always thought him the cat’s meow,

sly as a fox

but crazy as a loon,

a night owl willing to party

until the cows come home.

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Floofgacious

Floofgacious (floofinition) – 1. An extremely shrewd or clever animal.

In use: “The little black cat with glass-green eyes showed herself to be floofgacious right from the start, opening cupboards and doors, turning on water facets, and knowing how to threaten the other animals without actually striking them, accomplishing a bloodless coup d’floof within three days of her arrival.”

2. Someone knowledgeable about animals.

In use: “She called herself a ‘home mom’ (although she worked eighteen hours a week at a small gift shop owned by a friend), but between her four children bringing home animals, fostering animals, and living in a rural Pacific northwest town where close contact with animals was the norm, she became very floofgacious.”

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Sitfloofational

Sitfloofational (floofinition) – Dependent on a set of circumstances or conditions regarding animals, especially prevalent with development and pets.

In use: “Their ability to travel was sitfloofational, requiring them to find someone they trusted to care for their pets while they were gone.”

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Exflooftable

Exflooftable (floofinition) – 1. Animal who is capable of being activated by and reacting to stimuli.

In use: “Many kittens, puppies, and other young are exflooftable, but grow out of it as they mature, so the exceptions are often considered adorable adults.”

2. People who are readily roused into action over concerns about animals.

In use: “The net is causing more people to be exflooftable as they witness heroic rescues of drowning or dying animals and decide, they, too, can be a difference.”

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Detective Floof Inspector

Detective Floof Inspector (floofinition) – Animal responsible for nosing around to gather information. Such animals are often tasked by other animals to uncover details regarding a specific event or individual and report back to the larger group.

In use: “Detective Floof Inspector Tucker, long-haired, black and white — a tuxedo, in human’s color-obsessed terminology — had long been the house detective, determining what was under the house (a skunk), going out to see what was happening when Zoom exercise classes began in the dining room, investigating the humans’ laptops while they slept to learn what they’d been ordering (learning to key in the password had been incredibly difficult, and he resorted to extending claws to do so on those little keys), and going to the door to see who was arriving whenever someone knocked.”

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Post Mother’s Day Post

I read an interview with Calvin Trillin today. He said, every family has a theme that runs through it.

I can dig that. I grew up with some very Catholic and Jewish friends. Lessons and classes were always interfering with plans. I went to Bible School every summer for a few weeks, for a couple years. Other than that, I think we were Presbyterians. We attended church on some Christmases.

Religion wasn’t my family’s theme. Neither was education. Mom and Dad took the attitude, don’t bring home a bad grade and we’ll be okay. Several other themes were possible. Mom married multiple times in a quest for happiness. She’d taken private vows not to be like her mother, cold, hard, distant. Mom would be friends with her children. We would play games together.

Man, did we play games. Card games, ball games in the backyard, board games, Mom was always up to playing a game with us. Tripoley, a card game Mom picked up from her in-laws, became the go-to game. There was a board, in our case, a green plastic sheet. On it were different card combinations, along with poker, and ‘out’. Everyone paid into some pots, usually two to three cents each hand. A dummy hand was dealt. The dealer had the choice to keep their hand and sell the second hand, or to pick up and use the second hand. When you evaluating a hand to see whether you would bid on the extra hand, you were looking for pay cards, like the King and Queen of Hearts, or the 8-9-10 combo, or if it was a good poker hand or one that would allow you to go out.

We always played for pennies, and had great old Maxwell House coffee cans filled with coins, because sometimes, those pennies started adding up. “Look at that King and Queen, is that silver in there? There must be eighty cents in there.” Such a large amount. No one counted it, though; counting a pot drew bad luck down on you.

My wife quickly learned about the game but most of the spouses stayed away from it. They didn’t understand how we could sit and play for several hours for a few pennies, coming away with a beam for winning almost three dollars. Woo hoo.

The theme also could be hiding. Mom taught us all to hide whenever someone came to the door. I never heard why we were hiding. Someone knocks, we freeze, falling silent, eyes wide, like it’s WW II and the Nazis have found us. “Who is that?” we’d mouth at one another. Someone would sneak to a window. Carefully peek out. We also did not answer the phone. Whoever was calling us needed to know the code: let it ring twice, hang up and call again. If you don’t use the code, we’re not answering your call.

Our family’s theme could be fragmentation. I left Mom to live with Dad when I was fourteen. The older sister moved out of state when she was nineteen. We lost contact with her. Mom moved many times in her quest to be a good single mother, work, and find joy in marriage. It just didn’t work out. Yet, whenever I returned home, it was like I’d never left. We picked up having good times, laughing at everything, playing games. My wife noticed it after a few visits.

Pressing myself for the truest answer, what is your family’s theme, I laugh and answer, “Food.” Of course. Many people probably say the same. Mom loved to cook. She loved making us happy with food, and she was a damn good cook. The sisters took it up. Holidays Fare always encumbered with too much food, too many munchies, too many desserts. Typically, there’s pies and cakes, because Mom and sisters didn’t want to overlook anyone’s favorite. There are salads as an homage to health, along with something Italian — spaghetti, ravioli, maybe, but usually lasagna — along with turkey or ham. Depends, you know? Thanksgiving always required turkey. Ham was on Easter. Burgers, bbq chicken, and hot dogs on Memorial, Labor, and Independence Days, along with the Italian entree. There is lots of food. Leftovers get divided for consumption. It was often enough to supply troops invading another country. Desserts are usually frozen for other occasions. It’s not weird in our extended family to offer someone dessert from the freezer. “I have some leftover birthday cake from Gina’s birthday.” That Gina’s birthday was two months ago didn’t matter. It was frozen; it’d still be good.

Mom loves a cook out. That’s what she calls it: cooking out. We call it grilling. While my wife and I grill vegetables, sometimes chicken, fish, or beef, Mom always grilled burgers and hot dogs. Both needed to be well done because Mom worried about food poisoning from undercooked food.

We have favorites, right? Mom’s potato salad and fried chicken are amazing. All say so, if I do say so myself. It ruined it for anyone else offering me those things. I’ve searched the world for Mom’s potato salad and fried chicken. Nowhere else comes close to her product. Mom’s Fried Chicken. It could be a thing, except we’d need to answer the door.

I guess we’ll set up a code.

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Floofcano

Floofcano (floofinition) – Animal with explosive disposition, or capable of explosive behavior.

In use: “The beagle was a sweet, mild-mannered beast, but a floofcano at heart, exploding in racing ahead and barking whenever he saw a squirrel — and he was always vigilant for one to show up.”

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Funkafloofic

Funkafloofic (floofinition) – Floofmerican floof funk rock (fluck) band formed in 1968 in FloofJersey. Influence by flooflitcal movements of the era, the band’s music evolved from their original soul and doo wop sound into a guitar-driven mix of floofedelic rock, soul, and funk, becoming pioneers in the fluck sound. The group achieved their greatest floofstream success in the mid to late seventies before disbanding in 1982.

In use: “Funkafloofic’s 1978 song, “One Nation Under a Floof”, from the album by the same name, is probably the band’s most widely known song.”

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