Category: humor

Worth Pondering

An actual tracking record for a package, courtesy of USPS, as of Tuesday, December 27, 2022, 9:26 PM.

The package is out for delivery, as it was on Monday, December 26.

Details were checked to see what was going on. Erwin Schrödinger delivered the tracking process. Heisenberg helped.

Monday, December 26

6:56 PM

Package left the carrier facility.

6:52 PM

Package left the carrier facility.

11:55 AM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

11:50 AM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

7:37 AM

Package left the carrier facility.

1:49 AM

Package left the carrier facility.

Sunday, December 25

3:59 PM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

10:54 AM

Package left the carrier facility.

10:49 AM

Package left the carrier facility.

Saturday, December 24

4:52 AM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

4:09 AM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

3:27 AM

Package left the carrier facility.

2:32 AM

Package left the carrier facility.

Friday, December 23

10:50 PM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

9:35 PM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

1:24 PM

Package arrived at a carrier facility.

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Interfloofar

Interfloofar (floofinition) Located, taking place, or traveling among floofs by using another floof as a target position to telefloofnetically move.

In use: “Skinny, a small buff tabby, met a dog, Borsch, who introduced her to interfloofar travel. After realizing that time was different on other worlds, Skinny went off on regular adventures, frustrating her people, who were left to walk around, looking for her and calling her name, wondering where Skinny could now be. Little did they ever know, she was literally on another world.”

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Constaflooftion

Constaflooftion (floofinition) – An assembly of floofs sharing characteristics or traits.

In use: “She hadn’t intended to do it, but she ended up with a ginger constaflooftion with two adult rescue dogs, one rescue cat, and three foster kittens. Seeing the ginger characters pile together to play and nap always prompted her to smile in pleasure.”

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The Game

I never liked you, the cat said with a smile.

I was trying to kill you when I slept on your head.

It wasn’t by coincidence that I tripped you again and again.

Nor were those love bites like you always said.

And the claws weren’t a whim when I scratched till you bled.

And if you believe that, you’ll believe this, too.

I never liked the kibble or any of the other food.

Your treats made me sick though I begged for more.

I didn’t like the tuna which you gave off a spoon.

It was all faked when chicken made me swoon.

And if you believe that, you’ll believe this, too.

I’m a cat and I like games.

I get bored and the days are too much the same.

So I do what I can to keep myself entertained.

Because I’m a cat and this was just another game.

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Nepflooftism

Nepflooftism (floofinition) – Favoritism given to one floof over others.

In use: “Although cats, dogs, and pig shared Shari’s domicile, her nepflooftism kept her Cockatoo a happy bird.”

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Thursday’s Wandering Thought

His eyebrows had transmorgified once more. As a youth, he had pleasant eyebrows — two clean, mildly arched lines populated with fine, neat hairs. Later, his eyebrow hairs thickened and a unibrow developed. He didn’t much mind the unibrow because he was often favorably compared to another unibrower, actor Tom Selleck, a flattering comparison. His forties found his unibrow’s center fading. Meanwhile, thicker brows appeared. A wild bramble of hairs took over. Suddenly the comparisons shifted from Selleck to the Soviet leader, Brezhnev, or television commentator Andy Rooney.

Those brows faded and changed, too. Now his brows had taken on another actor’s look, developing a Sam Waterston flip, where the eyebrows darkened and thickened again, but pointed up.

Like his eyebrows had their own life and pursued their own style. He wondered what they were going to do next.

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Thursday’s Theme Music

“Out in the fog, the fog dancers begin moving. They only appear when it’s foggy. The thicker the fog, the more fog dancers there will be. They want humans to come out, walking in the fog, so the fog dancers can grab them and make them one of their own. If you become a fog dancer, you’ll dance for the rest of your life and never see sunlight again.

“That’s why I don’t go out in the fog.”

I don’t remember this, as I apparently did it on a whim, but my sisters insist that I told them this story when I was about twelve. My three youngest sisters said the fog terrified them for years. They said that I also said that adults know about this and that’s why they don’t go out into the fog. It worked well because Mom would always say, “Oh, I don’t like the fog,” and shiver whenever she looked out and saw fog.

As I said, the sisters claim that I told them this, and I don’t doubt them. Sounds like me. I think of it today because pretty deep fog is out there. Some trees and bushes look like fog dancers.

Remember the movie, The Fog? The sisters said that as soon as they heard of that movie, they remembered my tale.

It’s December 22, 2022. Just three days before the C holiday. And then, boom, the after Christmas shopping rush begins. It’s nutty.

36 F out there today, with timid sunshine squirming through the fog. S’posed to rain today. That’s the weather rumor. 49 F is to be our high before the sun peters out of the valley at 4:42 later today, just seven hours and five minutes after the sun kicked over the eastern mountains.

Got “Rockafeller Skank” by Fatboy Slim from 1988 occupies the morning mental music stream. I know exactly when The Neurons turned it on this morning. I’d raised the blinds, looked out and saw the fog. The Neurons responded to this by opening, “Right about now, the funk soul brother, check it out now, the funk soul brother.” Fog and funk. Sure, makes sense. I think The Neurons are losing it on some days, but I enjoy the song. Not many lyrics and easy to learn. I had a friend a few years after this song was released who always insisted, “That’s not really music.”

Stay positive and test negative.

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Wednesday’s Wandering Thought

He always defends what he says by proclaiming that he’s just giving ‘the unvarnished truth’. But when others deliver the unvarnished truth to him, his defensiveness spikes to Mt. Everest levels.

Not a great surprise, as he lives in a very varnished bubble.

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