Lingua Floofa

Lingua Floofa (floofinition) – Various animal languages and terms cobbled together to establish a common tongue among species and breeds of diverse speech.

In use: “Lingua floofa is commonly employed among pets such as dogs, cats, and hamsters, but movement in the twenty-first century also has farm animals using the language, and animals like deer as they live in closer proximity to humans in cities.”


Floofsume (floofinition) – 1. To include or place an animal within something larger or more comprehensive.

In use: “Cats, dogs, birds, goats, pets in general, and domestic animals, are often floofsumed as floofs.”

2. Human or humans using large amounts of resources on animals, especially pets.

In use: “People with a sick pet often find their days floofsumed by helping their fur friend recover.

3. Getting preoccupied with animals or animal-related events, action, or information.

In use: “Many folks find their time floofsumed by watching amazing animal videos on the web.”


Subfloofminal (floofinition) – 1. An animal who makes little impressions on others.

In use: “Dixie was such a loving dog with her people but was shy and withdrawn to the point of being subfloofminal. Many visitors claimed they didn’t know a dog live there, for Dixie always spirited herself into hiding when company arrived.”

2. Doing something for an animal without the need of conscious thought.

In use: “Petting Herc was subfloofminal; the big dog would steal onto a nearby space where Donovan’s hand could find Herc’s head, and that’s what Donovan always did, as if the pooch commanded him telefloofically.”


Clusterfloof (floofinition) – A situation involving animals that is disastrously mishandled or problems verging on disaster that involve animals.

In use: “For many people with pets, putting up a Christmas tree rapidly escalates into a clusterfloof.”


Floofmongous (floofinition) – A huge animal, or animal especially large for its breed or species.

In use: “The floofmongous Derry, a German Shepherd, bounded into the room with one bark that deafened all, and a happy, toothy grin on his face.”


Floofmeld (floofinition) – State where a human and one or more animals, or several animals, are in agreement with what’s to be done.

In use: “With a dim day outside highlighted by battering winds, chilly temperatures, and intermittent rain, she and the floofs had a floofmeld, heading to the sofa with a blanket, snacks, and a book, to laze away the day in warmth and comfort. Before two many pages were turned, all three were curled up in sleep.”


Floofnipulate (floofinition) – To alter or change behavior or intentions by an animal’s actions.

In use: “As he went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, his cat tried to floofnipulate him into petting him by darting into his path and issuing little grunts, forcing him to take a zigzag course.”


Floofcial (floofinition) – 1. Involving or relating to animal activities in which people spend time talking to animals, doing enjoyable things with animals, or sponsoring events which benefit animals.

In use: “A cat floofcial was happening in the backyard, with the three resident cats in their customary places being visited by three neighbor cats sitting on the fences, stopping by to say hello and chew the kibble, so to speak.”

2. Experience of an animal cleaning a human face with its tongue.

“Whenever she got home, her dog had to conduct a thorough floofcial, as if he was cleansing her of the outside world.”

Floofs Alone

Floof Alone (floofinition) – Comedy film about animals’ floofnanigans when they’re behind at home during a holiday and thwart criminals’ attempts to break into the house.

In use: “One of the highlights in Floofs Alone is the sequence when the burglars are kept from entering the house because of traps set by the home’s cats, dog, and bird through clever use of their toys, litter box, aided by the bird’s ability to mimic noises such as police sirens and guns firing, a skill acquired by observing the children’s video games.”

Marie’s House

She couldn’t recall a point in her life when she didn’t fear spiders, even though Mother always said, “Don’t worry, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.”

Doubtful. She studied them, trying to ascertain whether that could possibly be true. Her intensity to verify or disprove her mother’s claim carried her into college. But it was while she was at home, on the toilet, that the incident took place.

Thoughts were busying her head that day. October always meant birthdays and celebrations, until now. Mother’s death changed that. She’d always known Mother would die. Had to be done as matter of senescence and statistics. She understood both well. But Mother was struck by a stranger with an umbrella, propelling her back down the steps she’d been climbing, and into the storm surge where hungry waves gobbled her up and passed her wave by wave deeper into the ocean. Her body wasn’t recovered for three months. She wasn’t Mother by then. More time was needed for her to transform in Marie’s head from presence to memory.

Which had nothing to do with the spider incident, except that she was distracted by grief’s weight. Mother’s house had become her house. Whether she wanted to remain in that house was the question. Something never considered before seemed almost certain. That surprised her. She’d always believed that she would leave Mother’s house. She had begun to think that it would be with a man, when she married. Then, perhaps with a woman, when she married. Or maybe, when she traveled the world, because she didn’t think she was going to ever marry.

But along came an American house spider. Comb-footed, yellowish brown with a dirty white abdomen. About a quarter inch in size. Large for the species and lighter in color so it was probably female. Common and nothing to be feared, on an intellectual level. It could have a painful bite. But, Marie still sometimes reacted to spiders on other levels when they surprised her. As this one did, landing on the back of her hand as she sat on her bum on the commode, crying about Mother and October.

Feeling it, she flinched. Seeing it, she screamed. Tried flicking the spider away. It rushed up her pale, almost hairless arm. By that point, four seconds had passed and calm was beginning to restore order to Marie’s intellect. But then the spider stopped. She bent to look at it more closely. It raised two legs at her. Like it was waving hello. Later, she wondered, was it actually casting a spell? Because it then disappeared into her skin.

That seemed wholly impossible and improbable, so Marie took forty-seven seconds looking for it, horrified that maybe it had fallen off her arm and into her crotch. She stood to finish her business, wipe her bottom, and flush the toilet, but she swayed. Light blue towels were on a rack to the toilet’s right. She lunged for that general area, missed and fell forward. When next she woke, she knew she was a spider. Not spider-girl, a human with spider-like capabilities. No, she was a human intelligence in a spider body in the corner of the bathroom that used to be Mother’s house, which was now hers.

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