Haifloof #45
Floofeyes
Floofeyes (floofinition) – A sad, pleading look housepets employ to manipulate people.
In use: “No treats was the rule, but Titus would turn his floofeyes on her. Sighing, she’d say, “Okay, but just one,” but with those floofeyes, he always got three.”
Stimflooflus
Stimflooflus (floofinition) – 1. Something done by a pet or animal that rouses or incites to activity, such as howls, growls, yowls, meows, and barks, or running. 2. Activity, sound, or command that rouses or incites an animal’s actions.
In use: “A howl was followed by frantic barking, stimflooflus to her getting out of bed, because Lennon was warning her, someone is coming to the door.”
Floof Message
Floof Message (floofinition) – texts or emails whose subject center around housepets.
In use: “When she was away, her Mom would line up Cricket and Ellie, take a photo of them, and floof message her daughter the photo with a humorous caption, usually about the dogs wanting Rachel’s return so they could be properly fed.”
Telefloofic
Telefloofic (floofinition) – a pet with an appearance and manner that are markedly attractive to television viewers.
In use: “Tardar Sauce, nicknamed Grumpy Cat, was a telefloofic animal who always seemed to be disapproving of the world.”
Floofup
Floofup (alternative spelling: floof-up) (floofinition) – 1. A mistake or error made by a housepet. 2. A human error or mistake caused by a housepet’s activity.
In use: “She swung the front door closed and hurried away, eager to open her package. In an instant, she realized that she didn’t hear a click from the door. As she turned back, the dog shouldered the door open and darted out. Shouting his name, she took off after him even as the floofup’s magnitude began growing in her mind.”
Floofworld
Floofworld (floofinition) – a secret, non-profit vacation resort where people can interact with animals. Entrance to Floofworld is by invitation only, but people must log on and ask for an invitation, a strategy to protect Floofworld and its occupants.
In use: “Thomas took a deep breath, let it out, and sat back. After a decade of arcane research, he’d found the URL for Floofworld. Rumors always circulated that at least a pair of every animal that’d ever lived still existed in Floofworld, and that it wasn’t located on Earth. Grinning, Thomas clicked on the button to create an account.”
FloofAnon
FloofAnon (floofinition) – anonymous secret organization whose members believe that housepets are either secret government spies tracking their movement, aliens who have arrived to take over Earth, or that pets are part of a liberal plot to destroy their lives by distracting them from reality. Such members also often believe that animals should have no rights because they’re dumb and lack emotions.
In use: “Per the information she read at FloofAnon, she constantly watched the house across the street through monitors connected to cameras (bought at Costco, just five hundred dollars for eight outdoor cameras, what a buy!), noting the comings and goings of the cats and dogs, and logging them on her blog, Floofwatch.”
Michael Seidel, writer 