Clawthered (catfinition) – caught by a cat hanging on with its claws.
In use: “He needed to get up and leave, but a small tabby was clawthered to his jacket, and he couldn’t get released.”
Flooftable
Flooftable (catfinition) – the schedule by which cats complete their activities. Flooftable is often misconstrued as being the same as the Periodic Table of Floofs; the two expressions are not interchangeable.
In use: Abiding by the flooftable, the cat arose at 3:30 A.M. and nuzzled the sleeping people. They swatted him away and covered their heads. At 3:40, he batted the mouse across the floor and chased it, and then jumped up on the dresser and knocked everything off that he could. At 3:50, he demanded to be let out of the house. 4:15 found him demanding to be let into the house. At 4:30, he insisted that he needed to leave the house again. The angry people obliged him, with threats, which saddened him.
Sitting down, he washed his face to console himself. He didn’t want to do these things (he’d rather be sleeping, of which he was very fond), but it was the flooftable, and the flooftable needed to be observed and respected, or catnarchy would reign.
So said the Great Floof, who crafted a specific flooftable for every cat in the world. He wished people could understand that.
An idea was born.
Butt and Tail
Butt and Tail (catfinition) – a medieval cat expression for all the way.
In use: “As the kittens dawdled, the mother meowed back at them, “Let’s go, butt and tail, butt and tail. Get in the box.”
Floofomachy
Floofomachy (catfinition) – a disagreement or dispute about or over cats.
In use: “The kittens at the adoption fair were the epicenter of floofomachy as children and families all wanted to take them home.”
Floofoolery
Floofoolery (catfinition) – foolish cat behavior; playing silly games with a cat. Tomfloofoolery is used to designate foolish male cat behavior, or playing silly games with a tom cat.
In use: “From the sounds at midnight, it seemed like there was a lot of floofoolery going on in the other room.”
Afterfloof
Afterfloof (catfinition) – the fur and detritus that remains after a cat leaves a space.
In use: “Afterfloof of fur, a piece of bark mulch, and a leaf on the sofa marked where Tucker had slumbered before the garbage truck outside had sent him hunting for sanctuary.”
Floofergize
Floofergize (catfinition) – products and activities designed to stimulate cats. Catologists note that the most simple floofergizers remain simple motion activities for many cats, such as a string, or a small object being flung across the room. Sounds such as treat bags (or bags that sound like treat bags) or a can opening are excellent floofergizers.
In use: “Michael discovered that the best way to find the cats was to shake the kibble box. The sound was a great floofergizer to rouse cats from their hidey holes and bring them into sight.”
Floofbulous
Floofbulous (catfinition) – of, relating to, or resembling a floof.
In use: “A toy black mouse on the floor and a squad of food dishes haled floofbulous nostalgia for her mother’s home, where a squadron of cats had always reigned.”
Cat Commercial
I have to say, I’m a little irritated with a lot of the cat videos on the web. Many of them remind me of those commercials that imply, “If you eat this food, wear these clothes, or drink this beverage, you’ll be young, beautiful, and carefree, and have a wonderful, fun life.”
Doesn’t happen in my life, no matter what I eat, drink, or wear.
The cat videos often show a cat taken in as a stray or a kitten, and how the other cats and household pets adopt the new one, and they all start hanging out together, having fun, snuggling and napping together.
Yeah. Doesn’t happen in my house.
I feel like a U.N. Peace-Keeping Force in my house. I’m constantly manning observation points, watching their movements, and issuing warnings. “You. Tucker. Yes, you. I see you. No, it’s too late for you to try to get small or become invisible.”
Because that’s what cats believe. Cats believe, “If I don’t move, he won’t know I’m here.” Or, “If I get small and move real slow, he won’t be able to see what I’m doing.” These cats don’t think I’m very bright.
But like a life-guard at the pool, I persist. “You’re in the no-floof zone. Get back, please. Get back. Get back now. This is your last warning.”
You ever notice how they seem to realize you’re talking to them. But they’ll stall, putting on an act to buy time so they can come up with an excuse for what they’re doing.
“No, no, you misunderstood,” they finally say with their whiskers and other non-verbal communications. “I wasn’t sneaking up on that other cat with the intention of biting their ear off. I was just coming her to sit down in this spot to wash my face.”
Then that’s what they do. They sit down and wash their face, saying, “That’s all. There wasn’t enough light back there, where I had been napping. I wasn’t going to stalk and attack that other cat. I’m completely innocent.
“Trust me.”
Then they give me a look, to assess, is he buying this. Which is essentially a cat con commercial. So what the cats are really asking themselves as they watch me is, “Is this commercial working?”
Preterfloofural
Preterfloofural (catfinition) – a cat that exists outside of classic physics; a quantum cat.
In use: “Preterfloofural come and go as they please, there and gone without regard to the conventions and restrictions of nature, testing their existence, and others’ beliefs.”
Michael Seidel, writer 