Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Napdar (catfinition) – the extrasensory ability to immediately detect when someone is going to take a nap, a sense that’s extremely refined among house cats.
In use: “His napdar awakening him from his slumber in the guest room, Tucker rose and padded into the living room where Michael was just settling down to take an afternoon nap, and settled his massive feline body on the human’s inviting belly.”
Malacat (catfinition) – a feline who doesn’t seem like one, exhibiting behavior more associated with other species.
In use: “Living in a house with four dogs, Spunky soon became a malacat, chasing squirrels, eating with messy gusto, and running with the pack.”
Olifloofchy (catfinition) – a clowder in which a small group of felines exercise control for selfish reasons.
In use: “The clowder wanted to play but the olifloofchy gave warning looks, and all the cats remained still, waiting for the next event.”
Still as watching stone
I sniff and listen for sound
with my whiskers splayed
Floofwind (catfinition) – a powerful, localized wind caused when one or more cats and kittens gallop, scamper, dash, sprint, and race around.
In use: “The kittens took off, energizing the elders, and a floofwind quickly engulfed the living room, sending things flying off tables and into the air.”
Inflooftable (catfinition) – a cat who cannot be avoided.
In use: “A big, strong short hair tabby, he was inflooftable as the official house greeter, and it was best to accept his inspection and get it done.”
Into our lives come weird tales. Everyone has them. They don’t happen often for me, and I’m happy about that, and they’re not very weird. One happened last night.
I feel asleep reading and watching television in the snug. In the recliner, I was streaming “Case Histories” on Amazon Prime with the sound turned low. I’d seen it before, so I was also reading “The Lies of Locke Lamore”. We had a high-wind advisory in effect. I wasn’t worried. Two cats were weighing me down against getting blown away.
At two A.M., I awoke. The first thing I realized was that the cats had abandoned me. Second, I saw that the Roku had reset and was going through its update music. Interesting. Next, I saw with a glance at the modem that the network had reset. Well, I thought, the wind storm had probably caused some ISP issues.
Seeing the time, I decided to go to bed. Turning everything off, I left the snug, and then paused. The interior door to the garage was on my left. Not ajar, but not pulled tight, I could see that a light was on in the garage.
My wife or I must have left it on after going in there on an errand, I speculating, opening the door. But when I opened it, it wasn’t the garage interior lights that were on, but the garage door light. You know how that works? We have a garage door opener. When you press the button, a signal is sent. Receiving it, the garage door opener turns on a light and raises or lowers the door. That’s the light that was on.
That light wasn’t on before.
Being a cautious and paranoid person, I backed away from the door while keeping my eyes on it. Opening the coat closet, I took out the heavy metal flashlight we hang in there for emergencies. Not only does it provide a strong beam, but it has a solid heft to it, and can be useful as a weapon. See where my thoughts go?
Flashlight on, I first flashed it around the house, and then turned on the main hall light, and checked the front door. Locked. Okay. Going into the garage, I checked the side door. Finding it locked, I went around the garage to confirm nothing was out of place or missing, and everything was in order. Everything was as it should be. My mind dislikes vacuums, so I guessed, there must have been a power failure. I checked the clocks on the kitchen appliances. They were correct. Nothing anywhere indicated a power failure, except, perhaps the network and Roku. Going around the house, I repeated the process of checking doors and windows to ensure everything was closed and nothing was missing. Everything was as it should be.
The garage door opener light is on a timer. It now went off.
I couldn’t recall the garage door light going on after power was restored before. Maybe I had a faulty memory. Sleep and I had parted company at this point. I returned to the snug and read until I fell asleep. Then, awakening at three, I went to bed.
The garage door light entered my dreams. I was investigating it and testing different theories of how the garage opener light went on in my dreams. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorganChase, showed up to help, but he was useless. In some weirder parts of my dream, the garage door mystery was discussed on MTV and everyone started eating jelly beans.
As an aside to the jelly bean part, we put up an Easter tree using pussy willows. They were placed in a glass vase filled with jelly beans to hold up the pussy willows. Now that Easter was over, I was allowed to eat the jelly beans.
The jelly beans, made by Brach’s, were pastel colors, and pretty. Their smell was reminiscent of sugar and marshmallows, drawing Easter basket memories up out of my youth. I tasted some jelly beans.
OMG, they were terrible. They tasted like sugar with a small effort to have a flavor like blueberry or cherry. I tasted different colors to see if I liked any. They didn’t have any black ones, which are my favorites. Of the colors presented, the orange ones had the strongest orange flavor, actually managing to overcome that sense I was only eating sugar.
Anyway, that’s my tale of the weird. It’ll probably be a few years before there’s another one. At least, that’s my hope.
Flooftif (catfinition) – a salient artistic theme centered on depictions of felines, also known as cattif.
In use: “The many statues, paintings, and ceramic of cats provides the stereotypical flooftif of a cat-love, but this isn’t a facade; she genuinely loves cats, and they love her.”
Refloofestation (catfinition) – to refill a home with cats and floofenalia.
In use: “After his beloved Blur died, he swore, “No more cats,” but Princess arrived, and refloofestation began.”
SUT (catfinition) – web slang to refer to a cat who walks, runs, and stands with a straight-up tail (SUT).
In use: “Except when encountering another cat, Papi is a galloping SUT.”
Michael Seidel, writer 