The School Zone Button

I was thinking about another problem that’s not really a problem, and was surprised that some car company hasn’t already solved it.

Driving through the school zone, I wondered why my car didn’t have a “School Zone Button.” My car, a Mazda CX-5, is a pretty smart car. Its lights and wipers go on whenever the need is detected.

It’s locks are always tricking us, evidence of how smarter it is than us. The door locks are key-less, and depends on you having a fob on your person. You press a button on the outside door handle to unlock it. The car gives you a few friendly beeps and lets you in. But if the button has already been pushed on one side, and someone pushes on the button on the other side, say my wife, the car goes into a frenzy of beeping warning that kind of reminds me of the robot on “Lost in Space” saying, “Danger, Will Robinson!” Walking it is much easier; you just walk away. The car has options to change all of these settings, but they’re exhausting to navigate.

The car has a built in navigation system. This system will show you the speed limit for the road you’re on, and tell you when you’re speeding. You figure that if the car already knows the speed for the road, and knows that I’m in a school zone, I should be able to press a button that will keep the car at the school zone speed.

Yeah, I know, how hard is it to keep a car at that speed? Well, from the number of people who ignore it, it’s pretty damn hard. The school zones seem to go a million miles around the schools in Ashland, starting at 7 AM and going to 5 PM. I rarely see a child in any of them.

The School Zone Button. It’s an idea whose time has come.

Lesson Learned

One life lesson I learned long ago is to always check for toilet paper before sitting down to do my business. Of course, sometimes the information is useless, because there is no toilet paper, and no solution for the missing toilet paper.

That’s when you follow your “No Toilet Paper” flow chart to decide what to do.

Tuesday’s Theme Music

Don’t know about you, but Gospel music often talks to me. Aided by a dream, this song streamed into my consciousness from the year 1972. “I’ll Take You There” was a great song for the time because its slow beat allowed a close, swaying slow-dance with a girl, something that I sought when I was a sixteen year old boy. It’s like a feel-good song of hope, not for love alone, but for progress and civil rights.

Here are the Staple Singers with their 1972 hit.


The Goofy Band

A mug of steaming, fresh black coffee in hand, I strode back to the table where my laptop waited. “Okay,” I said, “Let’s write, brother.”

Write brother. That cracked me up. I’m a rainbow, and one broad band is definitely goofy.

Time to write like crazy, one more time.

The Delivery Rule

The Delivery Rule states that the probability that a delivery person will arrive at the beginning of the delivery window is directly proportionate to your readiness to receive them. It’s compounded by the delivery’s size and complexity. The less ready you are, the more on time, or early, they will be. If you’re in the shower or not dressed at the beginning of the window, they will be at your door.

They don’t want to be, but that’s the rule.

Multiple Choice

So, cat folks. Have you ever been busy doing something, or killing time while you’re doing something, and look up, and see a little cat head peeking around the corner, watching you? Do you find this:

a. Oh, so sweet, it’s almost precious.

b. Cute.

c. A little freaky.

d. Irritating, because you can’t get a minute to yourself.

e. All of the above?

Yeah, one of my floofs do this, like he’s a spy. The rest just barge in, and either a), rub up against my legs; b), try to get on my lap; c), sit down and watch me while meowing; or d), all of these activities.

Floofyeurism: when a cat spies on you.

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