DeeMichael

I’m supposed to be writing, but instead I’m procrastinating. I know what I’m supposed to be writing. I wrote it in my head this morning. Then I got here, turned on the computer, opened my documents and said, ready, set…in a minute.

Instead, I surfed the news.

My name is Michael.

It’s a pretty damn common name. At one point, during the beginning of a conference call a few years, eight people were on. Four were Michaels, and one was a Michelle.

I was scanning headlines today, and I saw another variation of Davonte. I’ve seen several variations the last few days. I don’t know the name’s origins. At one point, it was pretty unique. Now it’s becoming common, although I don’t think it’s as common as Michael, yet.

But after that, I thought, I’d always wanted to change my name. I’m tired of being a Michael because there are so many Michaels. But what can I change it to?

The answer came to me today. Mom’s nickname is Dee. My name is Michael.

I could be DeeMichael.

Maybe that can just be my writer’s name, just to separate us and provide clarity when I’m talking to him and he’s talking to me. Right now, it’s just, “Michael this, Michael that.” It gets pretty Michael-tedious.

But if he becomes DeeMichael, we could have a better conversation. Instead of just urging Michael to write, I could tell DeeMichael, “Hey, man, get on it, DeeMichael. What’s the matter with you? You’re supposed to be writing.”

Giving my writing ego a different name can be tres freeing. I can tell others, “I was talking to my writing friend, DeeMichael, and he said that more Americans believe Elvis Presley is alive than believe Jesus ever existed. Over half of Americans believe Elvis is still alive.”

Michael – that’s me – is a shy, deferential guy in most situations. DeeMichael can have a more exuberant personality. He can be more energetic. Probably is. As my creation, I can also make him younger. He can have different tastes, hobbies and habits. He doesn’t drink alcohol. “I’m not adulterating my body. It’s my temple.” He does take in caffeine. “Coffee is good for you.” Facts don’t matter to him. “I’m a writer,” he says. “I’ll make up my own facts. According to an essay I read in the Union of Concerned Scientists newsletter, most facts are been overtaken by greater understanding and insights within ten years, and are no longer true. You can look it up. You know it’s true.

“Look how facts have changed in the last couple hundred years. Science used to say egg yolks were bad for you, and then egg whites. High cholesterol was supposed to be bad for you, too.

“Used to be that they said smoking cigarettes didn’t cause any problems. That’s a fact you can look up. Doctors and actors endorsed them. They wouldn’t endorse something that, something that hurt people, and they weren’t, because they thought they were safe. All the science said they were safe, and then it turned out that they’re not safe.

“Look at the use of mercury in hats. That was considered safe and normal. Lead in paint, lead pipes, lead in gasoline. For that matter, gasoline was a brand name, like Kleenex. It’s a fact. Look it up.

“People never thought humans could fly. Never thought they’d reach the Moon, neither. Now we have a secret Moon base established up there. It has a population of ten thousand.

“Oh, yeah, it’s up there. You don’t know about it because it’s secret. But I have a cousin with a friend? Used to work for the NSA. He told me that there’s a secret base up there. Ronald Reagan established it. The budget is secret. It’s part of the Defense budget. That’s why it keeps growing. What, you really thought it was to build a bigger military? Why? We already have the world’s largest, more powerful military. We don’t need a bigger, more powerful one.

“Reagan built that moon colony up there because they realized the climate was changing and there was nothing they could do about it. So the colony was established as a place to save humanity. They’ve taken all the important paintings and things up there already. Everything in the Louvre, MOMA, and all those places are fakes.

“That’s why climate denying is so important now. They need to ensure climate change takes place, or we’ve wasted a lot of money. Plus, studies have shown that if there’s global warming, flooding and storming, it’ll scour the planet clean. Then they can come back from the Moon and start fresh with a clean planet.

“Of course, some of these big storms, like that Cyclone Debbie that just hit Australia? Man made. Yep, we can control the weather. We’ve been able to control it on a small scale for the last twenty-five years. But now it can be done on a bigger scale. Cylone Debbie was another test.

“It’s true. You can’t look it up, not on the normal Internet, but you can look it up on the secret Internet. Yeah, that’s right, there’s a secret Internet, used by the United States government, along with some of the world’s wealthiest people. That’s where the truth resides. Once you become a billionaire, you’re invited to log on. It’s true, man. Someday, it’ll all come out. Then you’ll see.

“All those wars going on in the Middle East? Fake news, just to distract and confuse people. It’s a front to help divert resources to the moon base. And Donald Trump isn’t POTUS, either. That’s all a fake government. The real government works in secret. It’s not led by Barack Obama, either. All that political stuff coming out of Washington, D.C., is just for show. Believe me. It’s a fact. That’s why Congress never really passes anything. They’re just supposed to be putting on a show, which is exactly what they’re doing.”

That DeeMichael. I’ll tell you what, he’s quite a character.

 

Anyone Like Me

When I was fifteen,

I’d been noticing girls.

And I saw this one and thought,

she’d be good to know.

 

So I sat beside her,

once at lunch,

and then tried to talk.

 

But she cut me off before a word was out.

Standing up,

she said,

 

“I’ve seen you around,

“I know who you are.

“I’ve never met anyone like you.

“I’ve heard the stories about who you are,

“I don’t think I’ve ever known,

“anyone like you.

“But I’ve thought about it and I have to say,

“I don’t think I want to be hanging around,

with someone like you.”

 

Then when I was eighteen,

I moved out from my parents’ place,

telling myself, “You’re finally free.”

 

I got a job in a coffee shop,

and started making a little more money.

 

I saw a chick,

at a table,

reading a book,

by Somerset Maugham.

And I thought,

she’d be good to know.

 

So I sat beside her and tried to talk.

 

But she cut me off,

with barely a glance.

She said,

 

“I’ve seen you around,

“I know who you are.

“I’ve never met anyone like you.

“I’ve heard the stories about who you are,

“I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone like you.

“But I’ve thought about it and I have to say,

“I don’t think I want to be hanging around,

“with someone like you.”

 

When I was twenty-three, I was making a living,

done with college,

I knew

I wasn’t free.

I saw this woman, at this place,

watching me across the room.

She looked okay, but I looked away,

because she reminded me of someone like me.

 

Next thing I know, I’m looking up,

because a shadow crossed over

the top of my laptop.

 

I turned to see, who could it be,

but you know, you know,

it was her.

And she said,

 

“I’ve seen you around,

“I know who you are.

“I’ve never met anyone like you.

“I’ve heard the stories about who you are,

“I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone like you.

“But I’ve thought about it and I have to say,

“I thought I might want to hang around,

with someone like you.”

 

And I said,

“Yeah, I’ve seen you around,

“I know who you are.

“I’ve never met anyone like you.

“I’ve heard the stories about who you are,

“I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone like you.

“But I’ve thought about it and I have to say,

“You seem to be,

“a lot like me.”

 

And she said, “Yeah, that’s probably true.

“Because you seem,

“a lot like me.

“I don’t know,

“how it’ll go,

“Let’s just try it for a while,

“and see.”

The Compulsion

It was between his second and third, or maybe fourth and fifth, pints of a Pacific Ale that he realized he, and his friends, had become zombies.

Mouths slack, they were snarling and growling. Part of his brain still functioned sufficiently to observe and think. Those in the pizza place who were drinking beer were becoming zombies. A young family was about to be attacked and eaten on the other side of the room. The family, and perhaps a few kids that weren’t part of the family, ignorant of their impending fate, were still laughing and yelling and eating pizza. The young parents had their hands full.

There was no more conversations at the table. His friends were eyeing other people as possible meals. Ron was already staggering to his feet. Anyone watching might think he was drunk and going off for a piss.

Screams and shouting with tinges of shock and horror broke out. All his friends rose up, rushing to eat others. He wanted to go to, but —

Beer remained.

He reached for the pitcher. He understood his compulsions and what kind of zombie he was.

Get Going

Get going, get going,

rise up, do your thing.

What do they say, just do it?

Get going, get going,

drink the coffee, eat the food,

get dressed and go.

Get the house cleaned and the bed made,

don’t pause, just go.

Get to work, get to class,

get up and get off your lazy ass.

If you want to be something, you know what you gotta do,

you want to get it done, here’s advice for you.

Get going, get going,

rise up, do your thing.

Time didn’t wait for anyone else,

time won’t wait for you.

Today’s Theme Music

Today’s theme music is based on a song that came out in 2015. A deeply provocative and thoughtful song, it received a lot of air play and was said to profoundly affect millions of people around the world.

‘Uma Thurman’, by Fall Out Boys, states the secret dreams and desires many of us had when we watched John Travolta and Uma Thurman dancing in Q. Tarentino’s 1994 hit film, ‘Pulp Fiction’. 

 

It also features a riff out of ‘The Munsters’, altogether creating an unusually memorable turn in the song. When it came out on the radio, you’d be driving along, listening, and then suddenly hear that and think, “WTF?” The song ends up then addressing not only life in 2015 America, but part of our culture from 1994 and 1964.

‘The Munsters’, starring Fred Gwynn and Yvonne De Carlo as the father and mother of a family of monsters living at 1313 Mockingbird Lane, is classic 1960s American television. Here’s the theme music, in case you can’t place it.

Catstery

A catstery is a broad category of mysteries specifically associated with cats. Felinologists have uncovered evidence in ancient records that catsteries have existed for as long as there’s been an association between cats and humans. The first reference to a catstery was found on cave paintings and was interpreted to mean, “The cat is sitting and staring. What is he staring at? There’s nothing there.”

Several more narrow sub-categories of catsteries exist. Most commonly experienced by people are the hisstery, clawstery, purrstery, and furmystery sub-categories.

  • Hisstery is a sub-category about why a cat is hissing, or what is a cat hissing at. It is also often incorrectly employed when the catdentity of participants in an unseen fight can’t be determined.
  • Clawstery, as a sub-category, is assigned to an event involving cats’ use of claws, such as a rug or chair that’s been clearly scratched by an unknown kitty.
  • Purrstery references the sub-category of cats who purr a great deal. Humans rarely think of the purrstery but ask and tell cats, “Who’s a purring cat? Who’s a purring cat? You’re always purring. Why do you purr so much?”
  • Furstery is perhaps the most common sub-categories of catsteries people experience. Fursteries are about the many issues associated with cat fur, such as, “How does one little cat shed so much fur?” Also commonly experienced as a furstery is how to remove shedded cat fur from surfaces, especially garments, and keep it off in the three minutes between removing the garment from its hermetically sealed container and putting it on before walking out the door.

However, the most frequently commented upon catstery is trying to understand what the cat wants, what they’re trying to tell you, or why they’re suddenly callivanting about the house. After trying to understand, most people surrender, admitting, “I don’t know what’s going on with that cat.

“It’s a catstery.”

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