Another Day

It’s one of those days when voices scratch like annoying sounds in my psyche. Everything seems to be fracturing and falling to pieces. A demon within rises, screaming, “What’s the fucking use? Who the hell cares?” I try rallying myself to respond, I care, but that vessel is empty. Someone holed my bottom. All my energy has drained out. All that remains is self-indulgent self-pity and bitterness.

What the hell happened overnight that brought me to this state? I know my inner personality has an affinity for the dark side but how do those tentacles reach out and seize me so quickly? How do they pull me in so fast and hold me so securely that I grow tired in its grip and just want to escape, crying, “God, where can I escape?”

Logically, I understand how much better I have than so many others. This isn’t logic. This is raw emotion. Emotions don’t embrace logic. They spread, dark horses of anger, bitterness, depression, weariness and frustration, roaring across my plains of consciousness, trampling coherent thinking. I know it’s ‘that time of month’ for me. I know this is a temporary state. The state will likely pass within a few days. I will survive and emerge. Always have.

But the ride along the way is shitty hard.

How?

“For your last request, how do you want to die?” she asked.

I considered her and the question. “Kill me with chocolate.”

Smiling, she began to pour. “As you wish.”

The Strike

Wild as tornadoes,

flashy as lightning,

wondrous as magic and technology,

the Moon and the Grand Canyon,

the Great Wall and Angel Falls,

majestic as rolling ocean swells,

enigmatic as love and death,

dreams strike,

jolting you into confusion and fear,

surprise and excitement,

and contemplation and searching.

Today’s Theme Music

She blew onto the scene in my mind in 1975. Four years later, she was gone.

Minnie Ripperton hit us with her five-octave prowess via ‘Lovin’ You’ in 1975. In 1976, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a radical mastectomy . Cancer had already entered her lymphatic system and nothing could be done for her. It was a matter of waiting.

She didn’t shrink away from living or dying. Everything she experienced was shared with the press. We knew her progress as her health declined. Minnie Ripperton became an American Cancer Society spokesperson. More than all of that, she impressed everyone with courage that matched her prodigious talent.

She passed away in 1979, thirty-one years old. It was a short life, but, man, did she live. ‘Lovin’ You’ is easy to sing as you walk through a day, especially if spring is finally beginning to stir.

 

A Morning Walk

We headed into town, not too early, to have coffee and take a walk. We meandered the streets and alleys, climbing stairs, examining new businesses and wondering about old ones.

The creek was visited to gage how high and fast that water ran, and low spots were inspected to see what protections are up against flooding. Talk turned to books – talk always turns to books – and we drifted into the book stores. The first one was visited because she likes the energy she gets from book stores. Book stores always help her forget recent history and the ugly hairpin turns of the latest politics.

In that first book store was a Tana French novel. I examined it to see if we’d read it and decreed we had not read ‘The Secret Place’, and nor was it her latest. We’re getting behind on our reading!

Next followed an examination of Lisa Lutz’s newest book. This was not another of the Spellman files. We’d enjoyed the Spellman series. They were light, entertaining reads. We’d read good things about her latest, The Passenger’, but we passed with promises to buy it another day, or perhaps wait until it could be acquired used.

On we went to the other book store, where the air is thick with the enriching scent of fresh books. Along the way, we talked about ‘The Likeness’, and how much our late neighbor, Walt, didn’t like that book, thinking the underlying concept was too far-fetched and not believable in his mind. We sought a used book of ‘The Secret Place’ – we like recycling books and stretching our dollars – but only ‘The Likeness’ was available.

Off we went on our meandering way, like cats sniffing the paths left by other animals. She told me of the book she was reading about Robert Louis Stevenson. She’d not realized, or maybe had forgotten, that he’d written ‘Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’. She remarked, “He was all about his writing, from the way his life is told, a lot like you. He was all, ‘Grrr, don’t disturb my writing,’ just like you get.”

I let it pass with a smile. He’s not like me, and I’m not like him. We’re just writers.

Those poor non-writers rarely understand.

Today’s Theme Music

Today’s song is from a movie. I saw the movie back in the mid-1960s when I was a child. For some reason, it popped into my head last night and stayed awhile.

So, here it is, from the 1965 production of ‘Cinderella’, Leslie Ann Warren singing ‘In My Own Little Corner’. 

One, Two, Three

Of the three dreams remembered from last night, the third was the most striking.

The first was of the usual military variety. Back on active duty, I’m to attend a planned changing of the guard ceremony, except I don’t have my ribbons and medals, and my uniform isn’t pressed. They specifically told us three days before that our uniforms needed to be pressed. Why didn’t I go out right away and have that done, I kept asking myself. There were others in the same situation. They asked the same question. Meanwhile, many people were rallying around us, trying to help us.

But I was distracted. There had been a death of someone close to me the Friday before. I don’t often dream of death, and my dream being struggled to cope with it.

The second dream was of the usual visual gibberish involving rising water. Streams, lakes, rivers, everywhere I went, I encountered rising brown water. While the images remind me this week of the scenes from I-5 flooding in Redding, the Oroville Dam situation, and other flood scenes in the news, the dream events didn’t disturb me. I always ‘knew’ I was protected but I worried about others. This is a variation of a regular dream that I’ve had for decades. I used some of the dream memories in ‘Everything in Black & White,’ a novel I wrote a few years ago but haven’t published. The hero encountered flooding and ended up encountering, fighting and saving other survivors. These were the first people he’d seen since the Great Collapse.

The third dream was something new and different for me. I was busy writing. Writing, writing, writing. I was writing on everything I could find. I was possessed to write.

The neighborhood residents were all helping me. They knew I was a writer and knew I was writing, but didn’t know what I was writing. But individuals would come to me with more scraps of paper, pens and notebooks to use so I could write. They fed me so I could write, and kept unobtrusively trying to keep me comfortable as I wrote. I lived in a large apartment with my family. We had several cats. A canal was outside of my apartment. People lived across the way, including a family from India. They were most watchful and helpful to me although I sensed they were poor and struggling.

They had two cats who had been injured. I took the cats in, fixed them up with robot exo-skeletons and nursed them to good health. One cat immediately rushed back to its people. I could see them receive it. The two children were very happy, and the mother knew I’d helped. A whole confused segment followed about their yard and improvements they made along the bank. My wife and I would stroll each day, see the changes, and discuss doing something similar.

But the second cat had disappeared. I was busy writing but found the cat living in my house. He’d grown to a very large size and had mastered walking upright. He rushed out of the house. I worried about where he was going and what would happen to him, so I followed.

All this time, I’m writing. I’m writing as I do everything. I stroll and write. I find a piece of paper and write. I follow the cat and write. I see the cat has made it home yet I feel compelled to go over and tell the people that the cat had been with me and safe. Before I can do that, the husband visits me. Young, he’s barefoot and very intelligent. His aura of calm intelligence awes me.

I’m sitting at a table writing. He gets on the table top to speak with me. He’s wearing gray sweat pants and a white tee shirt. It’s all so clean, it looks new. Lying on his side, he curls up and talks to me, smiling as he does. He challenges me with questions and challenges my answers with questions and observations. I don’t remember those details but as we’re talking, I’m writing. We talk for a while as I write but something happens and interrupts our visit. He leaves for his house across the canal.

After some thought, I decide to follow. The canal water has become much higher. It’s a narrow canal. I think about leaping it. I have new shoes on, though. A female friend present said, “I hope you’re not thinking about jumping that canal,” which is exactly what I’m thinking. She then keeps trying to convince me not to make the jump.

I don’t attempt the jump but instead attempt to cross via rocks. I misjudge the distances and end up in deeper water with my new shoes. But it’s all good.

I enter the people’s home. They’re busy in the back with the returned cat. I can hear that the children are very pleased. I’m an intruder and prepare to leave without fulfilling my mission of telling them what had happened with the cat. But I’m writing. And there is a typewriter. It’s  an old manual portable. I sit down and begin typing on it. I can’t help myself.

The young mother comes out. I apologize for using her typewriter and being there without permission. She dismisses my apology. I begin explaining who I am and why I’m there. She dismisses my explanation, telling me with a gentle smile, she knows who I am, and it’s fine. She offers food. I decline and state that I must leave. But she has made up the guest bed for me with soft downy blankets and sheets. No, I insist on leaving. “Then I must put the bedding back away,” she replies in a flirtatious manner, “after all this work that I’ve done.” “I’ll help,” I answer. She tells me that it’s not necessary but I pick up and fold a blanket.

But then I must write. Sitting down at the typewriter, I start typing.

The end.

 

 

 

 

At A Certain Point

At a certain point, there are no more Mondays in your life, no more Saturdays, no more weekends. There are just days of the sun rising and climbing, dimming and setting. Even the years lessen in importance, becoming more moot, except for those matters like taxes and voting. And you learn you can treat every day as you want.

Carpe diem, brothers and sisters. Treat this day as you want it.

Spirituality For The Day: Never

Rob has come up with the perfect rallying cry for just about every day, every week, every month, every year, and every event.

Kubo and the Two Strings

We watched ‘Kubo and the Two Strings’ last night. Great tale. Great mythology. Sensational imagination on display. Wonderful artwork. Neat, different ideas – at least for me. Some, of course, predictable. That’s to happen if you’re a thinking reader or movie watching.

Themes develop. Characters are established and arcs developed. The story unfolds. It’s rarely totally new or fresh. The beauty and pleasure often arrive with the nuances of execution and the story’s internal truths. This reflects humanity, art and history. We build on what’s gone before, even when we can’t remember what’s gone before, even when it’s been distorted to portray another existence.

The song at the end was an unexpected pleasure. George Harrison could have been thinking about Kubo’s tale when he wrote ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps’. Regina Spektor’s presentation chilled and moved me. ‘Rolling Stone’ called it haunting. I agree with that. I have a new regard for the shamisen.

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